Sorry I haven't been around much... But I'll be playing catch up blog because I have a lot to say.
So far so good. The cervical monitoring has begun. I had an ultrasound on Wednesday and I have a perfectly normal strong cervix to start. Dr. Babytogoplease was quite excited about this, I wish I could say I am too. I am glad yes, but I probably started with a good strong cervix with Audrey too. Get me to 28-30 weeks strong, then I'll be excited. I go back in two weeks to check again and so on and so forth. I can't say enough how much I love my OB! He is so sweet and caring.
I was reading my journal entries from a year ago when I was pregnant with Audrey. I wrote about how I felt depressed and sick up to the 13th week. This made me stop and think. Huh, there really IS something to be said about the role hormones play! Strange, this is exactly how it played out this time, only I thought it had everything to do with losing Audrey. These last two weeks I have felt a lot better physically and emotionally. Yes I'm still sad about big sister but I feel like I can begin to function again while going through this grief journey.
I have to admit I was getting worried I wouldn't be good at being a mommy to anyone but Audrey, now I feel confident that I'll figure it out. I'll find a way to honor her memory and take good care of little brother or sister too.
The most exciting thing yet is that I felt you move twice this week little one! Just like your sister- packing a powerful punch or kick so early!
I just keep asking God, "Can I please bring this one home, pleeeeeaaase!?"
Friday, June 11, 2010
Can it be?
Well, I did what I said to myself I would not. A few weeks ago, I went to this cute little store where I shopped while I was pregnant with Audrey. ( I have a lot of catching up to do on my blogging) I was headed to the party store to find some cake decorations for my nephew's birthday. In an adjoining parking lot is Once Upon a Child, a store that is packed full of almost everything you can think of for babies and kids. I really had the desire to go in, partly because it reminds me of Audrey and partly because I want to accept and love this baby just as much, even though I am scared to. I bought two books, something I never thought to buy Audrey. Then, off to the party store then, I headed to one of my favorite craft & home decor stores still in search of the right stuff for the birthday cake. Of course each time I go in there I have to peek down every isle as to not miss anything that might inspire me.
Lo and behold there they were the perfect silhouettes that I envisioned just two days before! 
I was trying to conjure up something unique for the nursery (yes, I actually allowed myself to go there too) when I pictured just the outline of various animals that could go around the room. So I asked hubby if he had a router bit to cut the shapes if I drew them onto wood, then I would paint them black. Well, now we don't have to ....they were even on clearance!
I love it when things just come together like this! It felt like it is a sign that everything will be okay, I just might get to bring this one home! I almost started crying right there in the isle, but my mind started racing, "hurry up, pick the good ones before the others get them!" There were women on both sides of me eyeballing in the same area-I ran and grabbed a cart and loaded up.
Can it really be? Can I bring you home and keep you little one?
Monday, May 17, 2010
13 weeks
Yeah, I'm going backwards for a moment. I said I was going to play catch up, then I didn't exactly make time for that so here I am now.
It was a Sunday night when I had what I thought was a "red flag" for preterm labor or miscarriage. I called the nurse hot line, explained what was going on and she said she would have the doc. on call give me a ring back. He called and I proceeded to tell him as well when he interrupted me and told me I had been given wrong information (by my Peri), he had never heard of such a thing and that there is really no need for me to go into the hospital. He further insulted me by asking if I was sure that I didn't urinate in my pants! Needless to say, I was MAD!! I hung up the phone and cried my head off like a little kid. I felt like I had been scolded by my mean step-dad. Now you are probably wondering, what? What is she talking about? Well it's kind of embarrassing and I'll spare you the details, I'm sure those of you who've been pregnant will put it all together. The point of me going back and writing this is to keep in my memory the scare we had and that everything turned out alright.
So, because he was a huge jerk I went in to the hospital anyway AND I went to L&D where he told me I was NOT welcome until after week 20. When I approached the desk, I told the nurse my problem and she said, "Didn't you talk to Dr. G on the phone?" I said "Yes I did and I know he told me that if I absolutely thought it was necessary I should go to the ER, but the reason I'm here is because I want someone to know how poorly he treated me on the phone." I want to make it clear that I don't appreciate him speaking to me like I'm an idiot. Now if you want me to go downstairs I will, but the first baby I delivered died here and you nurses took excellent care of me and this is where I feel safe." That woman turned to another and gave her a look and she said, "let her stay." About 4-5 nurses heard everything I said which made me feel better and as expected they took excellent care of me. I went for an ultrasound, my cervix was fine and baby was moving around. Then, I had the pleasure of shaking the jerks hand as he had to sign off on everything, he seemed much different in person (pretty clear that someone had a word with him). It's a good thing 'cause I was in my mama bear stance, ready to tell him what I thought. I'm so glad I didn't have to go there.
I was under the impression that he was not in my OB's group but when I went in for another appointment I saw his name listed outside the door. Ugh...I hope I never have to deal with him again!
I hesitated to write this post because I was being paranoid and felt a little silly, especially since everything has been normal. But I remember what my (pregnant) nurse said to me that Sunday night, "It's your job to make sure everything is okay and if that means you're calling your doctor every other day that's okay, whatever gets you through and to the end with a healthy baby."
It was a Sunday night when I had what I thought was a "red flag" for preterm labor or miscarriage. I called the nurse hot line, explained what was going on and she said she would have the doc. on call give me a ring back. He called and I proceeded to tell him as well when he interrupted me and told me I had been given wrong information (by my Peri), he had never heard of such a thing and that there is really no need for me to go into the hospital. He further insulted me by asking if I was sure that I didn't urinate in my pants! Needless to say, I was MAD!! I hung up the phone and cried my head off like a little kid. I felt like I had been scolded by my mean step-dad. Now you are probably wondering, what? What is she talking about? Well it's kind of embarrassing and I'll spare you the details, I'm sure those of you who've been pregnant will put it all together. The point of me going back and writing this is to keep in my memory the scare we had and that everything turned out alright.
So, because he was a huge jerk I went in to the hospital anyway AND I went to L&D where he told me I was NOT welcome until after week 20. When I approached the desk, I told the nurse my problem and she said, "Didn't you talk to Dr. G on the phone?" I said "Yes I did and I know he told me that if I absolutely thought it was necessary I should go to the ER, but the reason I'm here is because I want someone to know how poorly he treated me on the phone." I want to make it clear that I don't appreciate him speaking to me like I'm an idiot. Now if you want me to go downstairs I will, but the first baby I delivered died here and you nurses took excellent care of me and this is where I feel safe." That woman turned to another and gave her a look and she said, "let her stay." About 4-5 nurses heard everything I said which made me feel better and as expected they took excellent care of me. I went for an ultrasound, my cervix was fine and baby was moving around. Then, I had the pleasure of shaking the jerks hand as he had to sign off on everything, he seemed much different in person (pretty clear that someone had a word with him). It's a good thing 'cause I was in my mama bear stance, ready to tell him what I thought. I'm so glad I didn't have to go there.
I was under the impression that he was not in my OB's group but when I went in for another appointment I saw his name listed outside the door. Ugh...I hope I never have to deal with him again!
I hesitated to write this post because I was being paranoid and felt a little silly, especially since everything has been normal. But I remember what my (pregnant) nurse said to me that Sunday night, "It's your job to make sure everything is okay and if that means you're calling your doctor every other day that's okay, whatever gets you through and to the end with a healthy baby."
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The Plan
So, I met our new doctor on Monday who I must say I like very much. I will call him Dr. Babytogoplease. We will be able to see him exclusively and not be rotated among the other 10 or so in the group. This is the up side of close monitoring and a scheduled c - section. He is very confident in his ability to work with the perinatologist I will call Dr. Fulltermzeeze.
Starting at 15 weeks I will go to Dr. Fulltermzeezes' office to get high tech ultrasounds to measure my cervical length every 2 weeks. Should the length change/fall below a certain number I will have a cerclage placed and be put on bed rest. Of course I hope this does not happen but I can't help but think I have a weak cervix, I am the textbook description of this type of patient.
I have faith in both docs to take good care of us and I feel much more relaxed knowing Dr. Babytogoplease really listened to my concerns and respects my need to be very proactive with this pregnancy.
I love you so much little one, and even though my heart is aching for your big sister, I very much want to see your smiling little face this year.
Starting at 15 weeks I will go to Dr. Fulltermzeezes' office to get high tech ultrasounds to measure my cervical length every 2 weeks. Should the length change/fall below a certain number I will have a cerclage placed and be put on bed rest. Of course I hope this does not happen but I can't help but think I have a weak cervix, I am the textbook description of this type of patient.
I have faith in both docs to take good care of us and I feel much more relaxed knowing Dr. Babytogoplease really listened to my concerns and respects my need to be very proactive with this pregnancy.
I love you so much little one, and even though my heart is aching for your big sister, I very much want to see your smiling little face this year.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
10 Weeks
So here we are we've made it 10 weeks. I am feeling very pregnant in the way of "morning" sickness, although I don't know why it is called that, as I feel sick ALL day some days. I am not complaining- this just means I'm making a healthy baby in there.
Last night I had a dream that you are a boy, my little sea creature. I never had a dream like this when I was pregnant with Audrey, I just had a lot of vivid and unusual dreams, which I am having again that make me laugh, they are so bizarre!
By the way I named this blog sunshine and seahorses because pregnancy is kind of like both the sun and the sea. The sun is so radiant and warm on our skin, it promotes a feel-good mood and it is very visible. The sea has many mysteries, there is much life and inner workings going on under the surface that we cannot see, like seahorses. With pregnancy come the obvious like the bump and also the not so obvious miracle being knitted together inside which at first looks kind of like a seahorse.
Here's our baby's first picture
Last night I had a dream that you are a boy, my little sea creature. I never had a dream like this when I was pregnant with Audrey, I just had a lot of vivid and unusual dreams, which I am having again that make me laugh, they are so bizarre!
By the way I named this blog sunshine and seahorses because pregnancy is kind of like both the sun and the sea. The sun is so radiant and warm on our skin, it promotes a feel-good mood and it is very visible. The sea has many mysteries, there is much life and inner workings going on under the surface that we cannot see, like seahorses. With pregnancy come the obvious like the bump and also the not so obvious miracle being knitted together inside which at first looks kind of like a seahorse.
Here's our baby's first picture
Thursday, April 1, 2010
6 Weeks
Heavenly Father,
Here I am standing before you completely vulnerable, afraid to be happy. I ask you to please allow me to carry this baby to full term. Can I please take this one home? I ask for your protection over every aspect of this pregnancy. Give my doctors wisdom to make the right decisions regarding our care. Give me the wisdom to know whether to trust the decisions the doctors make and when to demand we change course or doctors. Lord, prepare me for whatever this pregnancy brings. I ask that you would provide a miracle. Heal whatever may be broken about me. Help me receive your grace if that is not your will, grant me grace if I am to be on bed rest. I give this pregnancy to you, I trust you to take care of me and our little seahorse. Thank you so much for this blessing. I throw myself at your feet please help my heart remain hopeful. Remove this fear that is not of you, silence the voice of doubt. I want to hear only your promises for our future. I love you Lord.
Your Child
Here I am standing before you completely vulnerable, afraid to be happy. I ask you to please allow me to carry this baby to full term. Can I please take this one home? I ask for your protection over every aspect of this pregnancy. Give my doctors wisdom to make the right decisions regarding our care. Give me the wisdom to know whether to trust the decisions the doctors make and when to demand we change course or doctors. Lord, prepare me for whatever this pregnancy brings. I ask that you would provide a miracle. Heal whatever may be broken about me. Help me receive your grace if that is not your will, grant me grace if I am to be on bed rest. I give this pregnancy to you, I trust you to take care of me and our little seahorse. Thank you so much for this blessing. I throw myself at your feet please help my heart remain hopeful. Remove this fear that is not of you, silence the voice of doubt. I want to hear only your promises for our future. I love you Lord.
Your Child
Saturday, March 27, 2010
And baby makes three
It was Tuesday, I was one day late for my period. I decided to look up baby names. The days and weeks before were some of my darkest depressing days since I lost Audrey, and I was losing all motivation to really live. I was merely surviving. "So", I thought, "It can't hurt for me to hope for our future children - even if I do seem crazy". I spent hours looking up names and meanings of names, I was really having fun. I really didn't think I was pregnant. Thursday I had a full day and still no period. As I was getting ready to run outta the house it was close to lunchtime and I grabbed a sandwich. A nauseous feeling came over me and I thought, "Gees I haven't felt like this in a long time, I hate this feeling...I haven't felt like this since...well...oh- my-lanta!" My own thoughts stopped me in my tracks. I thought, " I am SO pregnant !" I took my B vitamin drops and prayed they would get me through the day. When I reached my destination I was overcome by the aroma of horse manure and herbal infusions. ( I was on a farm where handmade natural products are made and sold.) I had a model to make gorgeous and I could hardly concentrate! Needless to say I made it through. On Sunday morning I took the test that confirmed my suspicion. It was a BIG FAT POSITIVE!!! That means I am now 5 weeks pregnant. Here's to praying that this baby is a take home baby!
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