Doctor visit

I am pleased to say that yesterday's follow up went, hmmm as it should, I guess you could say. Naomi had an EKG and chest x -ray and the VSD hasn't changed.  Also, she does not have any enlarging in her heart or any fluid on her lungs. She is eating well, sleeping well and growing right on track. All of those things indicate that she is not suffering due to the little extra work her heart and lungs are requiring. The doctor is still confident that she will indeed grow out of it. We will go back when she is six months old for him to check again. He said a large percentage of babies grow out of them in the first year and an even larger percentage within two years. Some never do and go on to lead completely normal active lives. If she doesn't grow out of hers she will still be able to play sports and have babies, he so matter-of-factly stated. I appreciated that about him. We left feeling like it's just an extra well baby appointment for us to go to- no big deal. Thankfully we're relieved parents now, not so on-edge, if you get what I mean. A lot of you do, and thank you so much for your encouragement by the way. I really appreciate all the wonderful comments you all leave. I seriously have no better friends than here in blog land!

But, that leads me to another problem. I just received a letter in the mail today from the insurance company stating they denied Naomi coverage due to her heart defect. But, how can they do that with the new law that was passed?  Well, since my husband was covered by said company before the law was passed, they are allowed to grandfather in their old policies! A HOLES!!!! So, we get to pay out of pocket for yesterday's expensive visit, which by the way, we have no money for.  I don't know who I'm more mad at us or them. We should have started the process of adding us to his plan a little sooner, then we would not be in this position. She would have been denied before the appointment and we could have re-scheduled or found another plan by now. Her and I were covered until Dec.31st on my COBRA plan, so we thought it would be an easy switch to add us to his.....UGH. I would have guessed they might deny me, but not her! Your prayers are much coveted right now. We are getting hit pretty hard in the pockets as the engine in my car  just went out as well. I just want to fully dive into the joy of having Naomi. There is SO MUCH to be excited and happy about! I feel like a stupid dark cloud keeps trying to steal that joy. I hate fighting for it, I know  that is the nature of this world we live in. I'd just like a little break, a little favor in the financial department. It could be worse, so I am certainly thankful for what we have....I feel myself starting to ramble so I'll stop now.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONTINUING PRAYERS AND SUPPORT, I FEEL THE LOVE AND I LOVE YOU ALL BACK!!

Here's another picture of my cutie! She's growing so big, so fast! I wanted to add more but blogger won't let me. =(



4 weeks



Parenting Scare

Thanksgiving Day,day two of Naomi's life in the outside world came with a scare. Jamie went home mid-morning to care for our dogs. As I sat alone with our daughter, a nurse came to get her for a check up with the Pediatrician. When they returned to the room the nurse said the doctor found a heart murmur and as a precaution he called a cardiologist to come take a listen. Also someone from radiology would come get her for an EKG and chest x-ray. While the nurse was explaining how common heart murmurs are and how it is just standard procedure to run such tests I was not worried. I thought to myself how I've known others to have heart murmurs and they live normal lives. I even called Jamie to say what was going on and not to worry. It was when radiology came within less than 10 minutes that I became a little more concerned. Then I called my mom to ask her to pray, it was then that I just fell apart. Why, after all we've been through, would God allow our baby to be anything less than 100% healthy? I prayed for her the entire pregnancy. Was I not specific enough, was it because I didn't say, "God please form our baby's heart to NOT have a murmur." This is totally minor- I know, but jeez, why can't we be the parents who don't have to have any freekin' tests run on their newborn- yes, even for something perceived as common and minor.
 She came back from her tests screaming her poor little head off. In a matter of an hour the cardiologist (who by the way, I was told, was called in from home so he might not make it right away) was there, so the nurse took her to the nursery again. I thought the worst. It was a holiday for one and what doctor gets to the hospital that fast unless it is something to be alarmed about!? Those moments she was gone were torture. To shorten my long story...the Cardiologist came in to tell us the diagnosis and asked us to come to his office the following week for yet another test, an echo cardiogram- basically to find out the severity and whether she would require"treatment" or not.
When we arrived at his office I made eye contact with a woman who was there with her son of about 7 years old. She smiled at us with a certain sincere empathy. I thought, "oh God are we about to become a part of another club no parent signs up for? The kids-with-heart-problems-who-need-lots-of-appointments-and-surgery-club?" I had been pretty calm over the 4 days leading up to this. I told myself that lots of kids are born like this, we'll get there and they will determine that she won't be affected by it.

The moment we sat down in the exam room an overwhelming fear came over me. The ultrasound tech- that's what an echo cardiogram is-started the ultrasound on Naomi's heart. As I sat there all I could think was that something was horribly wrong. The tech said nothing. No small talk. This only made my fear worse. I'm used to tech's not saying what they see ( remembering my miscarriage) but jeez,say something! Talk about the weather even! I started bawling. We sat there for over 30 minutes. I used tissue after tissue, sobbing convinced I would lose her too. I had two choices for a view, either watch the screen or look at a bulletin board filled with family pictures. Tech chic had three beautiful kids, which I hated her for. I thought, "she probably doesn't have babies in heaven. She obviously has no idea what it's like to sit in this chair. Very wrong of me to think -I know, I know. So, then she got the doctor who came in and with terrible body language took a look at the recordings she took. He looked for probably five minutes which felt like another hour. I cried even more, thinking, "I know something is really wrong, would you just give us the news already!" Here's the worst part, there was a seahorse on a shelf in the corner of the room. The exact same seahorse I bought Naomi, the first thing I bought her when I was pregnant. I sat there thinking over and over about how when she is dead I will remember her and this awful day that we get the bad news by the seahorse. And that will always be 'her thing'. I know, horrible isn't it? Get a grip right!? I really couldn't control myself and I thought I might go into a full fledged panic attack.

Well, finally the doctor said she has a very small hole in the muscle between the two bottom chambers of her heart. As she grows he expects this hole to close because that muscle will be bigger, which is the best news you can receive if you have a murmur. Her diagnosis is Ventricular Septal Defect. These are pretty common and there are three ways this could go. 1. She can grow out of it without symptoms 2. She could be given medication if she develops symptoms.3.She could have a balloon procedure to repair it if it becomes even more troublesome There are a few things to watch for as far as heart failure goes, so he warned us of those and wants to see her back in six weeks. He then disclosed that the reason he had us come to his office is because sometimes when a baby is born with this, it can also mean there are abnormalities that caused the defect and those are much bigger problems. They ruled that out. Okay, phew, we can handle that. I could sense that, from him- even when he talked to us that day in the hospital. Even though everything he said made us believe it was minor I could sense there could be more going on. I apologized for crying so much and he was so sweet to say, " This is a scary place for any parent to be and you are just 5 days post partum so you can cry all you want to." What a nice guy! Can't say the same for Tech chic, she was still in the room and remained stoic even after we were relieved at the news. Meh

So now we wait and watch. You know how hard that is? Believe me I am so thankful that she is so healthy and this is minor, I know.There are a million other things that could be so much worse! I guess the combination of loss plus,being a first time mom who was sleep deprived and overwhelmed with breastfeeding-which is a whole other post-equals a paranoid, crying mama! It has taken me weeks to complete this post, so her follow up appointment is in just 11 more days. Yes, I am counting them down. I feel like I will be able to relax a little when he hears of her sleep, awake and eating schedule and weight gain...if he thinks she is on track. I do-think she's okay and not needing treatment- but there are days when I worry.

In better news, she smiled at me last night. It was such a glorious moment! Moments like that make all the pain and worry worth it! We're getting  a little better at multi-tasking so I will be back to update you all on her progress and post more pictures.



Naomi meets her seahorse



Naomi's arrival

 Sorry I've been absent from blog land for so long! I'm back with part one of the past weeks' events surrounding Naomi's first days with us. She's finally here!!!





Naomi Alazne 8lbs.3oz. 19.5 inches


We arrived to the hospital at 5:30am on Wednesday morning Nov. 24th. My nurses prepped me for surgery which included two blown veins as a result of one nurse attempting to get an IV placed. As I previously wrote, I was not looking forward to the c-section but of course wanted to meet our baby! I experienced a lot of fear while waiting until our 7:00 surgery time, in fact I would venture to say I was bordering on a panic attack a few times. I was so afraid of something going wrong and losing Naomi too. It was a battlefield in my mind that morning..I was fighting to stay sane, I was fighting to feel joy, I was fighting to focus on Naomi's approaching birth and not Audrey's. It was so difficult to be in the moment completely saturated in joy -like parents of a new baby would be expected to be. Instead it felt more like I was having a surgical procedure, not bringing our beautiful baby into the world. Nonetheless we did - bring her into the world. She was born at 7:28am. If I could have cried, I would have, it was such a beautiful moment. Apparently, I needed to be able to feel my stomach in order to cry and since I couldn't, the tears just wouldn't come.
The anesthesiologist said that once I start to feel my upper body being pushed up and pulled down, the moment she appears over the curtain is near. Sure enough as I was feeling this pulling he spoke of, I heard my OB say, "Wow, this is a good sized baby! Maybe a nine pounder!" Then he held her up for me to see ever so briefly over the curtain. As the nurses took her to the baby station, someone said, "Look at all that red hair." I asked Jamie, "Do they mean red, red?" He said, "Oh yeah, it's red."
I thought, "huh, I never imagined red hair, I assumed it would be brown, I pictured brown and Audrey had dark brown."
All I could see from where I layed was her right leg and foot kicking about as she cried and cried. Oh,what music that was to my ears. I could tell from there that she too had her daddy's feet- just like Audrey.
It seemed like it took a lifetime for the doc to put me back together. It also seemed like a lifetime for the nurses to do all they needed with Naomi, I was anxious to see her and hold her. Finally, when Jamie came back from her station holding her, I stared at her in amazement, realizing she is ours. We get to keep her! That is when the joy overcame me.  I am so in love!
After about an hour in the OR, we were transferred back into our room where I was finally able to hold my baby girl and begin breastfeeding- which she was a natural at! A good friend arrived about a half hour later, then my dad and step-mom.Other visitors slowly came throughout the day and not all at once...it was almost as if they had appointment times- that was really cool. It was a perfect morning. Everything came together and we have our beautiful baby Naomi home with us now.

I am so in love!

2 more days!

So I just posted about baby showers...I didn't exactly remember to post it on Wednesday the 10th-when I originally wrote it, so here's a double post today! Read there first. =)

I'll start by saying, they both went very well. Not one person bought 'the wrong card' nor did anyone say something to hurt me. I did however cry my eyes out Friday morning and wondered how I could possibly celebrate Naomi's coming when I was so sorrow-filled over Audrey. I was just having one of those days. I managed to pull it together and enjoyed myself at both showers, and I felt really blessed.

I have two days until I will be pregnant-no-more!! Yeay! I am so excited- I wish it were a little more blissful and ignorant, but still excited nonetheless. I dread having another cesarean, absolutely dread it. There are so many side effects and so many ways things can become complicated for myself and Naomi by having surgery. As much as I say to myself that this is what I need to do to bring my living baby home, it brings me no more peace. Like those who've never lost a baby don't think like those who have, many also don't understand the risks involved in having a baby in the hospital- let alone a c section. As some of you know, I planned to be a home birth momma. I did many hours of reading, studying, asking professionals opinions and discussing with Jamie to come to that decision. Now here I am, having-for the second time-a procedure I am 97% against having.... bleh.... Anyway, I guess I am saying that to say, please pray for us. I am having some anxiety over the logistics of how Naomi is coming into this world but ever so thankful that she will.

I covet your prayers for a peaceful delivery, one that is textbook perfect without a single complication for either of us.

I'll leave you with another belly photo and I'll post pictures of our rainbow baby seahorse, Naomi as soon as I can!!!!




Week 38



Baby Showers *sigh*

I said all along that I did not want any showers until after our little seahorse is born. For reasons many of you can relate to. My mom and I were talking a few weeks ago and she was asking me what we need before Naomi arrives, and that people were asking what to get us. I've been asked the same things by others. I barely thought about registering for anything because each time I thought of it my mind would wander, you know, back to the day we registered for Audrey, so I'd just put it out of my mind. I was thinking, "I don't want anyone to buy her anything until we bring her home, is that too much to ask?" and on the other hand, "We really are in need of some things, running out of money, and it's just more practical to go register and let people buy stuff. Christmas is coming up and people are out shopping. They don't understand my hesitation and I have to stop expecting them to. Besides the whole nursery is ready, what's adding more to it going to hurt?" After a few conversations with myself similar to this, I told my mom after she asked when I wanted her to put on a shower that we could do it before hand.
 I am scared. I'm really not a superstitious person nor do I believe in bad omens, but I can't shake this feeling that by coming together with a lot of people to shower us with gifts that Naomi will die. It's ridiculous- I know, but it's haunting me.

Shower number one is this Friday...yes, not only did my mom plan one, but the women at her church asked if instead of doing their usual monthly women's dinner if they could have a shower for us with the women of her church? This was just last week...after my mom sent out the invites for the shower she is having this Saturday! How could I say no? These women have been diligently praying for us since we lost Audrey, granted I only really know three of them, but because I belong to my mother and she talks to them about me they feel like they know me- it's only natural I guess.

In the midst of all this my cousin messaged me on fb saying my aunt (from my dad's side) wanted to have a shower for me, so be thinking of when ect. Well that's a no brainer... after! I told him to have her call me, I honestly do not have her number. He has mine. I haven't spoken to her since Thanksgiving last year, which isn't all that unusual. I can't help but think though..."why couldn't you just call me, or you message me?" I'm being sensitive again. This family always waits til after the babies are born to have showers, I guess because we don't see each other much and they all want to see the baby. It's just that after two weeks and no call, I wonder if she is afraid to talk to me without the distraction of  new baby-I mean- here and met in-person. I've seen it plenty of times already, people have my current pregnancy and baby to talk about so that is what they focus on, but when I talk about Audrey they get uncomfortable. But, she could be as scared as I am, that's just it- if we don't just talk about it I don't know.

They're going to keep being uncomfortable because I won't stop talking about her.
I might being reading into it too much..she's probably just busy. It just sucks that this is my reality now!

When my sister had her son three weeks ago I was looking for a card to give her along with some outfits. As I searched I came across cards of all types... "new parent" cards, "first baby", "expectant mom", "mom-to be" "new addition to your family", then there's the blanket statements like " Congrats on your new baby girl/boy" I couldn't help it, I started to worry that someone might buy me a card that said the wrong thing. As if people's comments don't hurt enough, there's also the possibility that someone will unintentionally hurt me by getting a card that says 'your first daughter doesn't really count cause she's not here' and I never knew you were pregnant when you had a miscarriage so that doesn't count either, but everything will be just fine this time so let's just go with that. Again, standing in the aisle being super sensitive- I walked away. I didn't even get one for my sister, instead I started preparing for the jar in my soul I might experience when opening gifts in front of a bunch of people. I was working on my mental mask of smiles and you-didn't-just-hurt-me-by-buying-me-a-card-that-says-"expectant-mom"-face. They don't understand, I don't expect them to I'm just exhausted thinking about putting on a happy face. Not that I'm not happy...it's just scary, Naomi's not here in my arms yet and I am still so sad that I didn't get to have a shower with Audrey and she's not here either.
*sigh*
I'm babbling and I needed to get the thoughts out on screen. Feeling better already.

24 Days to go

I can hardly believe it. I have only a few weeks until I meet my little seahorse face to face! I am SO ready. It has been really really hard this past month. As much as I've tried to remain positive and focus on bringing her home I am constantly battling this dark cloud following me. I thought that once I made it past the 25 week point I would be relieved and able to relax. That didn't happen so I hoped for 28 weeks, then 32 and as time went on I was no longer afraid of pre-term labor but stillbirth. I count kicks and am aware of her patterns, so I'm doing the job I'm supposed to but I can't shake this fear that her heart will just stop. There have been a handful of times that she has gone off schedule and in a matter of minutes I was convinced she died. I'm exhausted. Not because I sit and fret all the time, but because I am constantly fighting off the spirit of fear, praying for peace and taking captive every negative thought. Each day is a war against either grief taking control of me or fear that my second daughter will die too.
I know it is inappropriate to complain about pregnancy now that I'm a baby loss mama- and I'm not really complaining, I just have to say what is going on in my life, be real about this struggle. I embrace this with all of my being! I count it worth the cost- the cost of some sanity, peace, rest and physical comfort. Not only am I battling my thoughts; but the physical toll this pregnancy is taking is becoming more than I can bare. I'm pleading to God daily to give me grace to get me through. I started this pregnancy overweight, and have continued to gain too much for my little frame. I have many body parts giving me trouble but the worst is the constant back pain, the swelling in my feet and ankles and the extremely dry sinuses that are causing headaches and nose bleeds. My feet feel bruised, the swelling is so intense and there is no relief at night or by elevating them. The list really does go on but I won't go into it. Again, me saying this doesn't mean I would trade it for my baby. I know how blessed I am to be suffering these temporary woes, so please don't get all bent out of shape that I don't appreciate that I'm pregnant and the blessing I am about to embark on. This is just hard for me right now. I SO look forward to this chapter ending, bringing Naomi home safe and sound and having some relief emotionally and physically. It's also peppered with the sadness that the holiday's are again approaching, when Audrey was supposed to be born. Oh to have joy and sorrow interwoven into Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. It is so weird to look ahead with such dread and excitement all at the same time.
Thanks for reading my vent and for any prayers you feel lead to release into the heavens on Naomi's or my behalf.

And her name is....

At about 30 weeks I suddenly got some fire under my butt and decided to start getting ready for her arrival. It felt weird because sometimes I have a hard time believing I will actually get to bring her home, but most times I really can picture it and I allow myself to go there. I started buying things pretty early because I had to believe- in spite of my doubts- that this time around would be different. I could not however; put anything together in the nursery. I could have clothes and decorations in a corner in the closet, but it would have been too much to imagine losing her and having the room all baby-fied. So when that c-section got scheduled I realized how much I had to do and figured it was time to make the room hers. We painted the furniture, I painted a mural, washed all her clothing and bedding and finished everything last weekend! We even did a belly cast! All we have left to do is send in the admission paperwork, tour the hospital since we've never been, and finish packing for the stay. I have to pinch myself sometimes, is this really real? 


So now for the moment you've been waiting for... not what most expected, but her name is...not Fionna- my first choice that my husband didn't like...not Marley.....but ....

Inspired by Stephanie @ Beyond Words, I made this for our rainbow.



The Horton Mural




My belly cast, in progress. Done at 32 weeks.

 So there ya have it folks. Still no middle name, but we'll get there. We have that narrowed down- maybe I'll do a poll so you can help us out on that one!