18 weeks

Last week's ultrasound went well. My cervical lengths have stayed steady @ 3.9 cm. Thank you God. I did feel a little uneasy from Friday through yesterday. I saw my OB yesterday and we discussed our plan again, which I wasn't totally clear about.
On Friday when I had the consult with my Peri. I unfortunately had to see her new partner. The "new partner" wasn't there when we lost Audrey, she didn't feel the impact, she didn't know how healthy I was, she doesn't understand how confused the doctors were as to why my water broke. I wanted to talk to Dr. Fulltermzeez, she KNOWS me. So, "new partner" looked at my ultrasounds and said she is very confident that I do not have a weak cervix, that it was an infection that caused my water to break, my immune system was compromised and since I'm healthier now I will carry this baby with no problems. As I looked at her, with what felt like a "so you're saying what?" look on my face, she said," But we'll still follow your care for your peace of mind." I thought, well yeah you better, it ain't over yet!" I felt a little put off. So I came home and got on BBC cervical group and got other BLM's thoughts and experiences. It helped a little and also made me worry a little.
So yesterday...with my OB, Dr. Babytogoplease talked to me about the consult. I said I am wondering if we could have put in a preventative cerclage, if I made a mistake by saying I was okay with only monitoring because I am no healthier than I was for my first pregnancy(in fact probably less-so being overweight now and I didn't continue to take prenatals between pregnancies!) Dr. Babytogoplease assured me that the decision didn't fall on me, if I would have asked for the preventative he would have said no. It is too late for one now because we have measured and I'm in normal range. I told him that I am not confident at all that it was an infection that caused my water to break, like "new partner" said. I said, "I am confused why she would even think that because I felt fine, had no fever, my white count was normal and no infection was found in the blood cultures they took daily while in the hospital.I mean is it normal that an infection lays quietly for almost 5 days!?" He replied, "In all my years, I've never seen anything like it either. Judging by your history, it is likely that it is a cervical issue." I said, "Thank you, I know I'm not crazy. So, if my CL drops even before it's considered the danger zone can we put in a cerclage?" He said, "It all depends on if you have funneling or are effaced and/or dilated. I'm sorry I can't give you a more solid answer." I said, "I just don't want to wait for an emergency because the chances are
higher that it won't be successful." Thankfully he agreed and hopes that we will be able to do something before it's an emergency too.
Can I just say I HATE THIS!!!! There used to be something so cool about mystery, but now I can't stand it. I want control. I want to know the next move on the chess board of my life.
Unfortunately a woman generally has to lose more than one baby before they can be diagnosed and have a preventative cerclage. THAT SUCKS!
I am trying to be so hopeful that "new partner" is right. I'd rather her be right, even though it isn't very solid science.
I don't want to lose another rainbow.

"God is strong and can help you not fall." Jude 24
" You and I are on a great climb. The wall is high and the stakes are higher. [I] took my first step the day I confessed Christ as the Son of God. He gave [me] his harness-the Holy Spirit. In [my] hands he placed a rope-his Word........[I] hang in the harness and find it to be strong. [I] grasp the rope and find it to be true. And though [I] cannot see [my] guide, [I] know him. [I] know he is strong. [I] know he is able to keep me from falling." Max Lucado, A Gentle Thunder