Monday, November 1, 2010

24 Days to go

I can hardly believe it. I have only a few weeks until I meet my little seahorse face to face! I am SO ready. It has been really really hard this past month. As much as I've tried to remain positive and focus on bringing her home I am constantly battling this dark cloud following me. I thought that once I made it past the 25 week point I would be relieved and able to relax. That didn't happen so I hoped for 28 weeks, then 32 and as time went on I was no longer afraid of pre-term labor but stillbirth. I count kicks and am aware of her patterns, so I'm doing the job I'm supposed to but I can't shake this fear that her heart will just stop. There have been a handful of times that she has gone off schedule and in a matter of minutes I was convinced she died. I'm exhausted. Not because I sit and fret all the time, but because I am constantly fighting off the spirit of fear, praying for peace and taking captive every negative thought. Each day is a war against either grief taking control of me or fear that my second daughter will die too.
I know it is inappropriate to complain about pregnancy now that I'm a baby loss mama- and I'm not really complaining, I just have to say what is going on in my life, be real about this struggle. I embrace this with all of my being! I count it worth the cost- the cost of some sanity, peace, rest and physical comfort. Not only am I battling my thoughts; but the physical toll this pregnancy is taking is becoming more than I can bare. I'm pleading to God daily to give me grace to get me through. I started this pregnancy overweight, and have continued to gain too much for my little frame. I have many body parts giving me trouble but the worst is the constant back pain, the swelling in my feet and ankles and the extremely dry sinuses that are causing headaches and nose bleeds. My feet feel bruised, the swelling is so intense and there is no relief at night or by elevating them. The list really does go on but I won't go into it. Again, me saying this doesn't mean I would trade it for my baby. I know how blessed I am to be suffering these temporary woes, so please don't get all bent out of shape that I don't appreciate that I'm pregnant and the blessing I am about to embark on. This is just hard for me right now. I SO look forward to this chapter ending, bringing Naomi home safe and sound and having some relief emotionally and physically. It's also peppered with the sadness that the holiday's are again approaching, when Audrey was supposed to be born. Oh to have joy and sorrow interwoven into Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. It is so weird to look ahead with such dread and excitement all at the same time.
Thanks for reading my vent and for any prayers you feel lead to release into the heavens on Naomi's or my behalf.


  1. It's totally normal to worry about these types of things when you're pregnant especially with a rainbow baby. Today is Cooper's first bday and we were talking this morning about the day I went into labor and I said to my hubby that I would've most likely just shrugged off the back pains if it hadn't been for Cooper not moving like he normally did. I was more worried about him not moving than whatever discomfort that I was experiencing!

    When she gets here than you'll be obsessed with SIDS...or, at least I was. The moral of the story is that as mommies there is ALWAYS something to worry us!

    Hang in there! You're almost there!

  2. Yes it is totally normal to worry about these things. I've had two normal pregnancies after my loss and here in the third I still get totally freaked out if I don't feel her move enough. I've rented one of those dopplers to hear the heart beat and often run to it for reasurance.

    JenJen is right about the SIDS thing too. I worry terribly with all my babies. I think once One has experienced deep loss it is hard to believe that One would some how be able to keep the Joy they recieve in the future. It is a constant mind battle and releasing to God.

    And the complaining about pregnancy... oh girl! I HATE pregnancy but know with all my heart how worth it it is... why else would I be putting my body through this again?! Feel free to e-mail me and complain any time you want! I feel your pain! Had the terrible swelling with my oldest and back pain to the point of having to be on bed rest for both in the end. Just pulled out my walker (yes, walker) because my back is causing me so much trouble today and I'm only at 25 weeks (sigh).

    Hang in there! Keep releasing your fears to God and complain any time you want to me! Love you!!!

  3. Oh, Michelle (((hugz))) I'm hoping to have a rant very similar to this next year! Go ahead and rant - what are blogs/friends for?

    Missed you last night!

  4. Michelle - no need to apologize for venting. We all know that you want to be pregnant but not liking the toll it has taken on you does not make it any less of a blessing - like you said. You don't have to enjoy it all :p My thoughts and prayers are with you. I really like the name Naomi :) (((hugs))) <3