Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Baby Showers *sigh*

I said all along that I did not want any showers until after our little seahorse is born. For reasons many of you can relate to. My mom and I were talking a few weeks ago and she was asking me what we need before Naomi arrives, and that people were asking what to get us. I've been asked the same things by others. I barely thought about registering for anything because each time I thought of it my mind would wander, you know, back to the day we registered for Audrey, so I'd just put it out of my mind. I was thinking, "I don't want anyone to buy her anything until we bring her home, is that too much to ask?" and on the other hand, "We really are in need of some things, running out of money, and it's just more practical to go register and let people buy stuff. Christmas is coming up and people are out shopping. They don't understand my hesitation and I have to stop expecting them to. Besides the whole nursery is ready, what's adding more to it going to hurt?" After a few conversations with myself similar to this, I told my mom after she asked when I wanted her to put on a shower that we could do it before hand.
 I am scared. I'm really not a superstitious person nor do I believe in bad omens, but I can't shake this feeling that by coming together with a lot of people to shower us with gifts that Naomi will die. It's ridiculous- I know, but it's haunting me.

Shower number one is this Friday...yes, not only did my mom plan one, but the women at her church asked if instead of doing their usual monthly women's dinner if they could have a shower for us with the women of her church? This was just last week...after my mom sent out the invites for the shower she is having this Saturday! How could I say no? These women have been diligently praying for us since we lost Audrey, granted I only really know three of them, but because I belong to my mother and she talks to them about me they feel like they know me- it's only natural I guess.

In the midst of all this my cousin messaged me on fb saying my aunt (from my dad's side) wanted to have a shower for me, so be thinking of when ect. Well that's a no brainer... after! I told him to have her call me, I honestly do not have her number. He has mine. I haven't spoken to her since Thanksgiving last year, which isn't all that unusual. I can't help but think though..."why couldn't you just call me, or you message me?" I'm being sensitive again. This family always waits til after the babies are born to have showers, I guess because we don't see each other much and they all want to see the baby. It's just that after two weeks and no call, I wonder if she is afraid to talk to me without the distraction of  new baby-I mean- here and met in-person. I've seen it plenty of times already, people have my current pregnancy and baby to talk about so that is what they focus on, but when I talk about Audrey they get uncomfortable. But, she could be as scared as I am, that's just it- if we don't just talk about it I don't know.

They're going to keep being uncomfortable because I won't stop talking about her.
I might being reading into it too much..she's probably just busy. It just sucks that this is my reality now!

When my sister had her son three weeks ago I was looking for a card to give her along with some outfits. As I searched I came across cards of all types... "new parent" cards, "first baby", "expectant mom", "mom-to be" "new addition to your family", then there's the blanket statements like " Congrats on your new baby girl/boy" I couldn't help it, I started to worry that someone might buy me a card that said the wrong thing. As if people's comments don't hurt enough, there's also the possibility that someone will unintentionally hurt me by getting a card that says 'your first daughter doesn't really count cause she's not here' and I never knew you were pregnant when you had a miscarriage so that doesn't count either, but everything will be just fine this time so let's just go with that. Again, standing in the aisle being super sensitive- I walked away. I didn't even get one for my sister, instead I started preparing for the jar in my soul I might experience when opening gifts in front of a bunch of people. I was working on my mental mask of smiles and you-didn't-just-hurt-me-by-buying-me-a-card-that-says-"expectant-mom"-face. They don't understand, I don't expect them to I'm just exhausted thinking about putting on a happy face. Not that I'm not's just scary, Naomi's not here in my arms yet and I am still so sad that I didn't get to have a shower with Audrey and she's not here either.
I'm babbling and I needed to get the thoughts out on screen. Feeling better already.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry that all of this has to bring up all those feelings. I almost feel confused to be truthful. I want to be just as happy as I have always been and excited for everything that is to come, but on the other hand I am scared SH**tless that something bad is going to happen and I can't bring myself to plan and be like I was before. I pray that these baby showers go off without a hitch and you get everything you need for sweet little Naomi. Sending you all my strength to get through them!!! xoxo