Monday, November 22, 2010

2 more days!

So I just posted about baby showers...I didn't exactly remember to post it on Wednesday the 10th-when I originally wrote it, so here's a double post today! Read there first. =)

I'll start by saying, they both went very well. Not one person bought 'the wrong card' nor did anyone say something to hurt me. I did however cry my eyes out Friday morning and wondered how I could possibly celebrate Naomi's coming when I was so sorrow-filled over Audrey. I was just having one of those days. I managed to pull it together and enjoyed myself at both showers, and I felt really blessed.

I have two days until I will be pregnant-no-more!! Yeay! I am so excited- I wish it were a little more blissful and ignorant, but still excited nonetheless. I dread having another cesarean, absolutely dread it. There are so many side effects and so many ways things can become complicated for myself and Naomi by having surgery. As much as I say to myself that this is what I need to do to bring my living baby home, it brings me no more peace. Like those who've never lost a baby don't think like those who have, many also don't understand the risks involved in having a baby in the hospital- let alone a c section. As some of you know, I planned to be a home birth momma. I did many hours of reading, studying, asking professionals opinions and discussing with Jamie to come to that decision. Now here I am, having-for the second time-a procedure I am 97% against having.... bleh.... Anyway, I guess I am saying that to say, please pray for us. I am having some anxiety over the logistics of how Naomi is coming into this world but ever so thankful that she will.

I covet your prayers for a peaceful delivery, one that is textbook perfect without a single complication for either of us.

I'll leave you with another belly photo and I'll post pictures of our rainbow baby seahorse, Naomi as soon as I can!!!!

Week 38

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Baby Showers *sigh*

I said all along that I did not want any showers until after our little seahorse is born. For reasons many of you can relate to. My mom and I were talking a few weeks ago and she was asking me what we need before Naomi arrives, and that people were asking what to get us. I've been asked the same things by others. I barely thought about registering for anything because each time I thought of it my mind would wander, you know, back to the day we registered for Audrey, so I'd just put it out of my mind. I was thinking, "I don't want anyone to buy her anything until we bring her home, is that too much to ask?" and on the other hand, "We really are in need of some things, running out of money, and it's just more practical to go register and let people buy stuff. Christmas is coming up and people are out shopping. They don't understand my hesitation and I have to stop expecting them to. Besides the whole nursery is ready, what's adding more to it going to hurt?" After a few conversations with myself similar to this, I told my mom after she asked when I wanted her to put on a shower that we could do it before hand.
 I am scared. I'm really not a superstitious person nor do I believe in bad omens, but I can't shake this feeling that by coming together with a lot of people to shower us with gifts that Naomi will die. It's ridiculous- I know, but it's haunting me.

Shower number one is this Friday...yes, not only did my mom plan one, but the women at her church asked if instead of doing their usual monthly women's dinner if they could have a shower for us with the women of her church? This was just last week...after my mom sent out the invites for the shower she is having this Saturday! How could I say no? These women have been diligently praying for us since we lost Audrey, granted I only really know three of them, but because I belong to my mother and she talks to them about me they feel like they know me- it's only natural I guess.

In the midst of all this my cousin messaged me on fb saying my aunt (from my dad's side) wanted to have a shower for me, so be thinking of when ect. Well that's a no brainer... after! I told him to have her call me, I honestly do not have her number. He has mine. I haven't spoken to her since Thanksgiving last year, which isn't all that unusual. I can't help but think though..."why couldn't you just call me, or you message me?" I'm being sensitive again. This family always waits til after the babies are born to have showers, I guess because we don't see each other much and they all want to see the baby. It's just that after two weeks and no call, I wonder if she is afraid to talk to me without the distraction of  new baby-I mean- here and met in-person. I've seen it plenty of times already, people have my current pregnancy and baby to talk about so that is what they focus on, but when I talk about Audrey they get uncomfortable. But, she could be as scared as I am, that's just it- if we don't just talk about it I don't know.

They're going to keep being uncomfortable because I won't stop talking about her.
I might being reading into it too much..she's probably just busy. It just sucks that this is my reality now!

When my sister had her son three weeks ago I was looking for a card to give her along with some outfits. As I searched I came across cards of all types... "new parent" cards, "first baby", "expectant mom", "mom-to be" "new addition to your family", then there's the blanket statements like " Congrats on your new baby girl/boy" I couldn't help it, I started to worry that someone might buy me a card that said the wrong thing. As if people's comments don't hurt enough, there's also the possibility that someone will unintentionally hurt me by getting a card that says 'your first daughter doesn't really count cause she's not here' and I never knew you were pregnant when you had a miscarriage so that doesn't count either, but everything will be just fine this time so let's just go with that. Again, standing in the aisle being super sensitive- I walked away. I didn't even get one for my sister, instead I started preparing for the jar in my soul I might experience when opening gifts in front of a bunch of people. I was working on my mental mask of smiles and you-didn't-just-hurt-me-by-buying-me-a-card-that-says-"expectant-mom"-face. They don't understand, I don't expect them to I'm just exhausted thinking about putting on a happy face. Not that I'm not's just scary, Naomi's not here in my arms yet and I am still so sad that I didn't get to have a shower with Audrey and she's not here either.
I'm babbling and I needed to get the thoughts out on screen. Feeling better already.

Monday, November 1, 2010

24 Days to go

I can hardly believe it. I have only a few weeks until I meet my little seahorse face to face! I am SO ready. It has been really really hard this past month. As much as I've tried to remain positive and focus on bringing her home I am constantly battling this dark cloud following me. I thought that once I made it past the 25 week point I would be relieved and able to relax. That didn't happen so I hoped for 28 weeks, then 32 and as time went on I was no longer afraid of pre-term labor but stillbirth. I count kicks and am aware of her patterns, so I'm doing the job I'm supposed to but I can't shake this fear that her heart will just stop. There have been a handful of times that she has gone off schedule and in a matter of minutes I was convinced she died. I'm exhausted. Not because I sit and fret all the time, but because I am constantly fighting off the spirit of fear, praying for peace and taking captive every negative thought. Each day is a war against either grief taking control of me or fear that my second daughter will die too.
I know it is inappropriate to complain about pregnancy now that I'm a baby loss mama- and I'm not really complaining, I just have to say what is going on in my life, be real about this struggle. I embrace this with all of my being! I count it worth the cost- the cost of some sanity, peace, rest and physical comfort. Not only am I battling my thoughts; but the physical toll this pregnancy is taking is becoming more than I can bare. I'm pleading to God daily to give me grace to get me through. I started this pregnancy overweight, and have continued to gain too much for my little frame. I have many body parts giving me trouble but the worst is the constant back pain, the swelling in my feet and ankles and the extremely dry sinuses that are causing headaches and nose bleeds. My feet feel bruised, the swelling is so intense and there is no relief at night or by elevating them. The list really does go on but I won't go into it. Again, me saying this doesn't mean I would trade it for my baby. I know how blessed I am to be suffering these temporary woes, so please don't get all bent out of shape that I don't appreciate that I'm pregnant and the blessing I am about to embark on. This is just hard for me right now. I SO look forward to this chapter ending, bringing Naomi home safe and sound and having some relief emotionally and physically. It's also peppered with the sadness that the holiday's are again approaching, when Audrey was supposed to be born. Oh to have joy and sorrow interwoven into Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. It is so weird to look ahead with such dread and excitement all at the same time.
Thanks for reading my vent and for any prayers you feel lead to release into the heavens on Naomi's or my behalf.