22 weeks

Crap, crap, crap! I went to see Dr. Babytogoplease today for what is usually an uneventful conversation about my cervix. It was in terms of my so-far-so-good functioning cervix. Instead, the nurse scared the hell outta me by coming in and stating I have a lot of sugar in my urine. Right away we discussed my breakfast menu this am. When I told her and the doc. that I ate shredded wheat and had a glass of water, they each said, "hmm." Then my blood pressure was high, because I was a little freaked about the possibility of gestational diabetes! She re-checked after I had a few minutes to digest my thoughts and it was fine. So, they did a finger prick to test the blood sugar and sure enough it was way high. UGH. I have to go back Monday morning for the 3-4 hour glucose screening. They warned me the lab is extremely busy that day.Oh joy.
I've had a feeling about this for about a week because I can't seem to get enough water and sometimes I have a weird feeling that is hard to describe, kind of like weakness in my arms or like I'm shaky inside. So I planned to ask him today if we could plan to do the glucose test at my 24 week visit. Maybe, just maybe it's only because I've given in too many times to the sugary, carb cravings this week. I'd like to think that my pancreas is just having a tough week. My instructions for the weekend are to add a few more carbs to my diet each day until I start fasting Sunday night! That is so hard to do, I just want to lower my carb intake immediately. That's like committing a sin, you realize you were wrong but instead of turning away you continue the sin a few more times!

Once again your prayers would be much appreciated!

To my little seahorse,
I'm craving chocolate and cereal now, not so much of the healthy stuff I did earlier on. And when I say chocolate and cereal- I mean twice now I gave in and ate cereal with chocolate milk- yep killed two birds with one stone. I could also eat any mexican food that includes guacamole daily. I would also like to have a glass or two of wine and drink some serious coffee, neither of which will be consumed any day before you arrive! And oh the heartburn, how it continues....I will celebrate it though just like I did all the nausea in the beginning, well as much as one possibly can while feeling miserable. Oh, and uhhem, the gas.
I feel you kick every morning first thing when I get out of bed, a few times throughout the day and every night about 8ish. Then you have to get a little crazy as soon as I lay down to go to sleep, like it's time for your workout routine. I love this time I get to spend with you, I wouldn't trade it for anything else in this world, even if I do feel jealous every time daddy leaves on his motorcycle. My tummy is starting to feel stretchy and needs a lot of lotion for relief. It's getting harder to figure out what to wear, as you are growing so fast. I'm not very tolerant of the heat, I get too hot pretty quickly. That's okay though I'll relax in the a/c with you rather than working outside. I'd like to say you are doing cool things with us this summer, but really YOU are the coolest thing about our summer. Maybe we'll make it to a concert before you make your appearance. Remember you're not supposed to meet the world til November so you stay cozy in there. I love you so much!!!

Hope

Well, here we are, more than half way there! This pic was taken last week. I can't seem to get on track here with my blog. I feel like reading everyone else's but struggle to find the words for my own. Can I just say that I feel huge? I'm definitely bigger with this pregnancy, which they say is common. Don't get me wrong, I'm not fretting over it, but simply stating the observation of myself and others. *Insert eyes rolling here* between the stupid things people say regarding baby loss and the stupid things people say to pregnant ladies I feel like I could write a book! I just don't care much for being the center of attention- I never have.

Anyway, off my soapbox now. I'm feeling a tremendous amount of hope these days. My cervical checks have remained steady, I feel great and I am starting to believe that I will bring this baby home. That belief is not based on anything scientific, I haven't made it past "the milestone," and no doctor has guaranteed (not that they can) that she will be a baby-to-go. That's why it's called hope..."But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:24-25
"Find rest o my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." Psalm 62:5
I haven't reached this place by my own doing but by the Holy Spirit. All along God was waiting for me to grab hold of His gift of hope, but I was reluctant to recieve it. Instead I was only seeing through the lenses of my expirience. I am still reminded of all that could go wrong and often, however; thankfully, I am able to plan as though nothing will.

The belly

I decided I better start taking some belly pictures. When I was pregnant with Audrey I figured we would wait until the last month and get professional pictures taken - that way I could be looking my best (touched up ya know). Well, sadly that day never came.
So, in celebration of every day that I have with our new daughter, no matter how ugly I feel, DH will be snapping a photo every week or so. As you can see it's only the belly because my hair was too frizzy for a face shot.
Do you like the rainbow tank top? I've had it for about three years... I've liked rainbows for a long time now, little did I know what our rainbows would mean to us-us baby loss mamas and daddies.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and for all the prayer support you offer. I feel the love, I don't know what I would do without you lovely ladies!

How do you like my new space? It was time for a little change.

The Big Reveal

Well, here she is! We're having another girl! I'm scared. I'm exited. Then I'm scared again....I'm sure this will go on for a long time so I'm becoming acclimated with my range of emotions.

Mostly though, I do have peace...that peace that passes all understanding.

My cervical length was 4.0 today, which is thicker than the last checks, so that is reassuring.

I had to make myself drive straight home from the dr. office and not to go shopping. I didn't buy girly stuff for Audrey since she didn't want to do the big reveal. Even though I'm scared of losing this rainbow, I still want to buy her stuff. It won't hurt less if I don't so why refrain, right? Oh, there were some things on clearance at a few stores that I'm gonna have to check out before the weekend is over...lots of girly things.

Maybe I'm delusional, I just need to physically do something to welcome this new baby girl (name pending obviously) into our lives whether she gets to stay with us or not.

I love you little seahorse girl! I think you're growing lots of hair in there 'cause mommy sure is having a lot of heartburn. Thanks for making us laugh today when you wouldn't show us your face- silly girl -covering it with your hands! You're already a little comedian.

Try to understand

Pregnant women and excited expectant families,
I wish you would try to understand what it's like for me to be pregnant after losing two babies. When I say I really hope the outcome is different this time, I wish you would say, "Me too," instead of " Oh, I just know this baby will be fine."
When I say that I may have to go on bed rest at some point but I am hoping not to, I wish you would say, "I'll help you in any way I can if that happens," instead of "Oh, you need to stop thinking that way, just put those thoughts out of your mind."

When you are very vocal about how excited you are for me and I don't share the same volume level or demonstrative expressions please don't keep trying to get me to your level of enthusiasm. You can't work your magic to bring back the babies I didn't successfully bring into this world which is about what it would take to get me that excited again.
I'll listen when you want to talk about all that you are doing and planning for your baby but when I don't say much, then you ask me questions like, "Will you register for this stroller or that?" And I say, "No,we have a stroller and a car seats and furniture and bedding that we bought when I was pregnant with Audrey." Try to refrain from deer-in-headlight-look. I don't know what that is all about, but it's annoying. And no I won't be having a shower before hand.

Go ahead and dream of our children playing together since our due dates are 4-6 weeks apart, but you'll have to excuse me for not going there with you, remember I don't have such a great track record, though I want that just as badly as you do, if not worse.

Don't be afraid when I start comparing my pregnancies, those memories are the few I have of Audrey and it makes me happy to talk about this pregnancy vs. her's. People have got to stop getting so freaked out about dead babies! I'm not going to forget about her and I will talk about her for years to come so just get used to it.

Lastly, the next person who tells me that once I have this baby in my arms all the things I struggle with in regards to losing Audrey will all go away, I will probably punch in the face!
Nothing makes me angrier than hearing how having this baby will "help me heal."

I am excited to be pregnant, I love this baby as much as the others, and it's not all doom and gloom all the time. I am hopeful - hoping for the best but I've already experienced the worst, so you'll have to forgive me if I seem a little more prepared for it.

You don't have any idea how much I want each of you to have your babies and grand babies come and stay on this earth with you. But I want that for me too and if I am not able to have that, here will be four of you to remind me once again what I lost.

18 weeks

Last week's ultrasound went well. My cervical lengths have stayed steady @ 3.9 cm. Thank you God. I did feel a little uneasy from Friday through yesterday. I saw my OB yesterday and we discussed our plan again, which I wasn't totally clear about.
On Friday when I had the consult with my Peri. I unfortunately had to see her new partner. The "new partner" wasn't there when we lost Audrey, she didn't feel the impact, she didn't know how healthy I was, she doesn't understand how confused the doctors were as to why my water broke. I wanted to talk to Dr. Fulltermzeez, she KNOWS me. So, "new partner" looked at my ultrasounds and said she is very confident that I do not have a weak cervix, that it was an infection that caused my water to break, my immune system was compromised and since I'm healthier now I will carry this baby with no problems. As I looked at her, with what felt like a "so you're saying what?" look on my face, she said," But we'll still follow your care for your peace of mind." I thought, well yeah you better, it ain't over yet!" I felt a little put off. So I came home and got on BBC cervical group and got other BLM's thoughts and experiences. It helped a little and also made me worry a little.
So yesterday...with my OB, Dr. Babytogoplease talked to me about the consult. I said I am wondering if we could have put in a preventative cerclage, if I made a mistake by saying I was okay with only monitoring because I am no healthier than I was for my first pregnancy(in fact probably less-so being overweight now and I didn't continue to take prenatals between pregnancies!) Dr. Babytogoplease assured me that the decision didn't fall on me, if I would have asked for the preventative he would have said no. It is too late for one now because we have measured and I'm in normal range. I told him that I am not confident at all that it was an infection that caused my water to break, like "new partner" said. I said, "I am confused why she would even think that because I felt fine, had no fever, my white count was normal and no infection was found in the blood cultures they took daily while in the hospital.I mean is it normal that an infection lays quietly for almost 5 days!?" He replied, "In all my years, I've never seen anything like it either. Judging by your history, it is likely that it is a cervical issue." I said, "Thank you, I know I'm not crazy. So, if my CL drops even before it's considered the danger zone can we put in a cerclage?" He said, "It all depends on if you have funneling or are effaced and/or dilated. I'm sorry I can't give you a more solid answer." I said, "I just don't want to wait for an emergency because the chances are
higher that it won't be successful." Thankfully he agreed and hopes that we will be able to do something before it's an emergency too.
Can I just say I HATE THIS!!!! There used to be something so cool about mystery, but now I can't stand it. I want control. I want to know the next move on the chess board of my life.
Unfortunately a woman generally has to lose more than one baby before they can be diagnosed and have a preventative cerclage. THAT SUCKS!
I am trying to be so hopeful that "new partner" is right. I'd rather her be right, even though it isn't very solid science.
I don't want to lose another rainbow.

"God is strong and can help you not fall." Jude 24
" You and I are on a great climb. The wall is high and the stakes are higher. [I] took my first step the day I confessed Christ as the Son of God. He gave [me] his harness-the Holy Spirit. In [my] hands he placed a rope-his Word........[I] hang in the harness and find it to be strong. [I] grasp the rope and find it to be true. And though [I] cannot see [my] guide, [I] know him. [I] know he is strong. [I] know he is able to keep me from falling." Max Lucado, A Gentle Thunder