Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Try to understand

Pregnant women and excited expectant families,
I wish you would try to understand what it's like for me to be pregnant after losing two babies. When I say I really hope the outcome is different this time, I wish you would say, "Me too," instead of " Oh, I just know this baby will be fine."
When I say that I may have to go on bed rest at some point but I am hoping not to, I wish you would say, "I'll help you in any way I can if that happens," instead of "Oh, you need to stop thinking that way, just put those thoughts out of your mind."

When you are very vocal about how excited you are for me and I don't share the same volume level or demonstrative expressions please don't keep trying to get me to your level of enthusiasm. You can't work your magic to bring back the babies I didn't successfully bring into this world which is about what it would take to get me that excited again.
I'll listen when you want to talk about all that you are doing and planning for your baby but when I don't say much, then you ask me questions like, "Will you register for this stroller or that?" And I say, "No,we have a stroller and a car seats and furniture and bedding that we bought when I was pregnant with Audrey." Try to refrain from deer-in-headlight-look. I don't know what that is all about, but it's annoying. And no I won't be having a shower before hand.

Go ahead and dream of our children playing together since our due dates are 4-6 weeks apart, but you'll have to excuse me for not going there with you, remember I don't have such a great track record, though I want that just as badly as you do, if not worse.

Don't be afraid when I start comparing my pregnancies, those memories are the few I have of Audrey and it makes me happy to talk about this pregnancy vs. her's. People have got to stop getting so freaked out about dead babies! I'm not going to forget about her and I will talk about her for years to come so just get used to it.

Lastly, the next person who tells me that once I have this baby in my arms all the things I struggle with in regards to losing Audrey will all go away, I will probably punch in the face!
Nothing makes me angrier than hearing how having this baby will "help me heal."

I am excited to be pregnant, I love this baby as much as the others, and it's not all doom and gloom all the time. I am hopeful - hoping for the best but I've already experienced the worst, so you'll have to forgive me if I seem a little more prepared for it.

You don't have any idea how much I want each of you to have your babies and grand babies come and stay on this earth with you. But I want that for me too and if I am not able to have that, here will be four of you to remind me once again what I lost.


  1. Oh Michelle, i wish that you could experience this baby ALONE and not in the company of other preggos...I wish that you didnt get the "looks" of these people..and I WISH that she was HERE so that you didnt have to fight for her memory (like I feel i have to sometimes)....They do NOT get it...I almost want to say to all these people that offer their "great advice" do they have some cosmic connection to God where they know the secrets cause if they do I sure wish they could tell me mine too...JUST be a friend preggos that is it!! dont assume that this baby has the magic healing powers...the rest of our lives if we are blessed with 100 rainbows...we will still be missing those babies...they dont understand that at all...xoxo...thinking of you

  2. Michelle,

    I am so sorry. There is no cure for replacement...nothing to distract us from the pain of what should have been. Those who say such trite things really don't get it, probably never will. Still, you would think that common sense would give one pause before speaking. Hoping that this journey will be its own and that you can be respected to grieve and be pregnant and not the repeated target of "stupid things people say."

  3. Hey, I feel like I could have written this!! I know what you mean! I loved it when my doctor told me that we were going to worry about this baby until hes signed up and supplied for third grade. =) Loss really is something that people do not understand until it has happened to them, and even then everyones loss and grief is so different. Have you talked to these women about how you feel? Well you are in my thoughts and prayers lovely lady!!!

  4. I could have written this, too. Praying for you, Michelle. This is a long difficult road filled with anxiety. I wish I could enjoy my pregnancy and be more excited, too, but its just not possible. I've just given it to god and I'm trusting Him. xoxo

  5. Hang in there. When I was pregnant with my last little one (baby after the one that died) I went through the exact same thing. People would say - Oh, everything will be just fine. Some people I really let "have it." Others I just said I will believe it when she is here, alive in my arms. They thought it was an awful thing to say, but it was the truth. You aren't alone. Just remember that.

    It is really hard to have that faith, particularly until you pass your milestone. But I found that even when I got past that magic 24 weeks of my previous loss, I still didn't rest easy. It wasn't until 34 weeks I actually allowed myself to hope. She was born just two weeks later. I hope you have the same wonderful fortune that I had. I will keep you and your little one in my prayers. God knows you can always use an extra.... or five. :)

    Many hugs!!!!!