Pregnant women and excited expectant families,
I wish you would try to understand what it's like for me to be pregnant after losing two babies. When I say I really hope the outcome is different this time, I wish you would say, "Me too," instead of " Oh, I just know this baby will be fine."
When I say that I may have to go on bed rest at some point but I am hoping not to, I wish you would say, "I'll help you in any way I can if that happens," instead of "Oh, you need to stop thinking that way, just put those thoughts out of your mind."
When you are very vocal about how excited you are for me and I don't share the same volume level or demonstrative expressions please don't keep trying to get me to your level of enthusiasm. You can't work your magic to bring back the babies I didn't successfully bring into this world which is about what it would take to get me that excited again.
I'll listen when you want to talk about all that you are doing and planning for your baby but when I don't say much, then you ask me questions like, "Will you register for this stroller or that?" And I say, "No,we have a stroller and a car seats and furniture and bedding that we bought when I was pregnant with Audrey." Try to refrain from deer-in-headlight-look. I don't know what that is all about, but it's annoying. And no I won't be having a shower before hand.
Go ahead and dream of our children playing together since our due dates are 4-6 weeks apart, but you'll have to excuse me for not going there with you, remember I don't have such a great track record, though I want that just as badly as you do, if not worse.
Don't be afraid when I start comparing my pregnancies, those memories are the few I have of Audrey and it makes me happy to talk about this pregnancy vs. her's. People have got to stop getting so freaked out about dead babies! I'm not going to forget about her and I will talk about her for years to come so just get used to it.
Lastly, the next person who tells me that once I have this baby in my arms all the things I struggle with in regards to losing Audrey will all go away, I will probably punch in the face!
Nothing makes me angrier than hearing how having this baby will "help me heal."
I am excited to be pregnant, I love this baby as much as the others, and it's not all doom and gloom all the time. I am hopeful - hoping for the best but I've already experienced the worst, so you'll have to forgive me if I seem a little more prepared for it.
You don't have any idea how much I want each of you to have your babies and grand babies come and stay on this earth with you. But I want that for me too and if I am not able to have that, here will be four of you to remind me once again what I lost.