Parenting Scare

Thanksgiving Day,day two of Naomi's life in the outside world came with a scare. Jamie went home mid-morning to care for our dogs. As I sat alone with our daughter, a nurse came to get her for a check up with the Pediatrician. When they returned to the room the nurse said the doctor found a heart murmur and as a precaution he called a cardiologist to come take a listen. Also someone from radiology would come get her for an EKG and chest x-ray. While the nurse was explaining how common heart murmurs are and how it is just standard procedure to run such tests I was not worried. I thought to myself how I've known others to have heart murmurs and they live normal lives. I even called Jamie to say what was going on and not to worry. It was when radiology came within less than 10 minutes that I became a little more concerned. Then I called my mom to ask her to pray, it was then that I just fell apart. Why, after all we've been through, would God allow our baby to be anything less than 100% healthy? I prayed for her the entire pregnancy. Was I not specific enough, was it because I didn't say, "God please form our baby's heart to NOT have a murmur." This is totally minor- I know, but jeez, why can't we be the parents who don't have to have any freekin' tests run on their newborn- yes, even for something perceived as common and minor.
 She came back from her tests screaming her poor little head off. In a matter of an hour the cardiologist (who by the way, I was told, was called in from home so he might not make it right away) was there, so the nurse took her to the nursery again. I thought the worst. It was a holiday for one and what doctor gets to the hospital that fast unless it is something to be alarmed about!? Those moments she was gone were torture. To shorten my long story...the Cardiologist came in to tell us the diagnosis and asked us to come to his office the following week for yet another test, an echo cardiogram- basically to find out the severity and whether she would require"treatment" or not.
When we arrived at his office I made eye contact with a woman who was there with her son of about 7 years old. She smiled at us with a certain sincere empathy. I thought, "oh God are we about to become a part of another club no parent signs up for? The kids-with-heart-problems-who-need-lots-of-appointments-and-surgery-club?" I had been pretty calm over the 4 days leading up to this. I told myself that lots of kids are born like this, we'll get there and they will determine that she won't be affected by it.

The moment we sat down in the exam room an overwhelming fear came over me. The ultrasound tech- that's what an echo cardiogram is-started the ultrasound on Naomi's heart. As I sat there all I could think was that something was horribly wrong. The tech said nothing. No small talk. This only made my fear worse. I'm used to tech's not saying what they see ( remembering my miscarriage) but jeez,say something! Talk about the weather even! I started bawling. We sat there for over 30 minutes. I used tissue after tissue, sobbing convinced I would lose her too. I had two choices for a view, either watch the screen or look at a bulletin board filled with family pictures. Tech chic had three beautiful kids, which I hated her for. I thought, "she probably doesn't have babies in heaven. She obviously has no idea what it's like to sit in this chair. Very wrong of me to think -I know, I know. So, then she got the doctor who came in and with terrible body language took a look at the recordings she took. He looked for probably five minutes which felt like another hour. I cried even more, thinking, "I know something is really wrong, would you just give us the news already!" Here's the worst part, there was a seahorse on a shelf in the corner of the room. The exact same seahorse I bought Naomi, the first thing I bought her when I was pregnant. I sat there thinking over and over about how when she is dead I will remember her and this awful day that we get the bad news by the seahorse. And that will always be 'her thing'. I know, horrible isn't it? Get a grip right!? I really couldn't control myself and I thought I might go into a full fledged panic attack.

Well, finally the doctor said she has a very small hole in the muscle between the two bottom chambers of her heart. As she grows he expects this hole to close because that muscle will be bigger, which is the best news you can receive if you have a murmur. Her diagnosis is Ventricular Septal Defect. These are pretty common and there are three ways this could go. 1. She can grow out of it without symptoms 2. She could be given medication if she develops symptoms.3.She could have a balloon procedure to repair it if it becomes even more troublesome There are a few things to watch for as far as heart failure goes, so he warned us of those and wants to see her back in six weeks. He then disclosed that the reason he had us come to his office is because sometimes when a baby is born with this, it can also mean there are abnormalities that caused the defect and those are much bigger problems. They ruled that out. Okay, phew, we can handle that. I could sense that, from him- even when he talked to us that day in the hospital. Even though everything he said made us believe it was minor I could sense there could be more going on. I apologized for crying so much and he was so sweet to say, " This is a scary place for any parent to be and you are just 5 days post partum so you can cry all you want to." What a nice guy! Can't say the same for Tech chic, she was still in the room and remained stoic even after we were relieved at the news. Meh

So now we wait and watch. You know how hard that is? Believe me I am so thankful that she is so healthy and this is minor, I know.There are a million other things that could be so much worse! I guess the combination of loss plus,being a first time mom who was sleep deprived and overwhelmed with breastfeeding-which is a whole other post-equals a paranoid, crying mama! It has taken me weeks to complete this post, so her follow up appointment is in just 11 more days. Yes, I am counting them down. I feel like I will be able to relax a little when he hears of her sleep, awake and eating schedule and weight gain...if he thinks she is on track. I do-think she's okay and not needing treatment- but there are days when I worry.

In better news, she smiled at me last night. It was such a glorious moment! Moments like that make all the pain and worry worth it! We're getting  a little better at multi-tasking so I will be back to update you all on her progress and post more pictures.



Naomi meets her seahorse



Naomi's arrival

 Sorry I've been absent from blog land for so long! I'm back with part one of the past weeks' events surrounding Naomi's first days with us. She's finally here!!!





Naomi Alazne 8lbs.3oz. 19.5 inches


We arrived to the hospital at 5:30am on Wednesday morning Nov. 24th. My nurses prepped me for surgery which included two blown veins as a result of one nurse attempting to get an IV placed. As I previously wrote, I was not looking forward to the c-section but of course wanted to meet our baby! I experienced a lot of fear while waiting until our 7:00 surgery time, in fact I would venture to say I was bordering on a panic attack a few times. I was so afraid of something going wrong and losing Naomi too. It was a battlefield in my mind that morning..I was fighting to stay sane, I was fighting to feel joy, I was fighting to focus on Naomi's approaching birth and not Audrey's. It was so difficult to be in the moment completely saturated in joy -like parents of a new baby would be expected to be. Instead it felt more like I was having a surgical procedure, not bringing our beautiful baby into the world. Nonetheless we did - bring her into the world. She was born at 7:28am. If I could have cried, I would have, it was such a beautiful moment. Apparently, I needed to be able to feel my stomach in order to cry and since I couldn't, the tears just wouldn't come.
The anesthesiologist said that once I start to feel my upper body being pushed up and pulled down, the moment she appears over the curtain is near. Sure enough as I was feeling this pulling he spoke of, I heard my OB say, "Wow, this is a good sized baby! Maybe a nine pounder!" Then he held her up for me to see ever so briefly over the curtain. As the nurses took her to the baby station, someone said, "Look at all that red hair." I asked Jamie, "Do they mean red, red?" He said, "Oh yeah, it's red."
I thought, "huh, I never imagined red hair, I assumed it would be brown, I pictured brown and Audrey had dark brown."
All I could see from where I layed was her right leg and foot kicking about as she cried and cried. Oh,what music that was to my ears. I could tell from there that she too had her daddy's feet- just like Audrey.
It seemed like it took a lifetime for the doc to put me back together. It also seemed like a lifetime for the nurses to do all they needed with Naomi, I was anxious to see her and hold her. Finally, when Jamie came back from her station holding her, I stared at her in amazement, realizing she is ours. We get to keep her! That is when the joy overcame me.  I am so in love!
After about an hour in the OR, we were transferred back into our room where I was finally able to hold my baby girl and begin breastfeeding- which she was a natural at! A good friend arrived about a half hour later, then my dad and step-mom.Other visitors slowly came throughout the day and not all at once...it was almost as if they had appointment times- that was really cool. It was a perfect morning. Everything came together and we have our beautiful baby Naomi home with us now.

I am so in love!

2 more days!

So I just posted about baby showers...I didn't exactly remember to post it on Wednesday the 10th-when I originally wrote it, so here's a double post today! Read there first. =)

I'll start by saying, they both went very well. Not one person bought 'the wrong card' nor did anyone say something to hurt me. I did however cry my eyes out Friday morning and wondered how I could possibly celebrate Naomi's coming when I was so sorrow-filled over Audrey. I was just having one of those days. I managed to pull it together and enjoyed myself at both showers, and I felt really blessed.

I have two days until I will be pregnant-no-more!! Yeay! I am so excited- I wish it were a little more blissful and ignorant, but still excited nonetheless. I dread having another cesarean, absolutely dread it. There are so many side effects and so many ways things can become complicated for myself and Naomi by having surgery. As much as I say to myself that this is what I need to do to bring my living baby home, it brings me no more peace. Like those who've never lost a baby don't think like those who have, many also don't understand the risks involved in having a baby in the hospital- let alone a c section. As some of you know, I planned to be a home birth momma. I did many hours of reading, studying, asking professionals opinions and discussing with Jamie to come to that decision. Now here I am, having-for the second time-a procedure I am 97% against having.... bleh.... Anyway, I guess I am saying that to say, please pray for us. I am having some anxiety over the logistics of how Naomi is coming into this world but ever so thankful that she will.

I covet your prayers for a peaceful delivery, one that is textbook perfect without a single complication for either of us.

I'll leave you with another belly photo and I'll post pictures of our rainbow baby seahorse, Naomi as soon as I can!!!!




Week 38



Baby Showers *sigh*

I said all along that I did not want any showers until after our little seahorse is born. For reasons many of you can relate to. My mom and I were talking a few weeks ago and she was asking me what we need before Naomi arrives, and that people were asking what to get us. I've been asked the same things by others. I barely thought about registering for anything because each time I thought of it my mind would wander, you know, back to the day we registered for Audrey, so I'd just put it out of my mind. I was thinking, "I don't want anyone to buy her anything until we bring her home, is that too much to ask?" and on the other hand, "We really are in need of some things, running out of money, and it's just more practical to go register and let people buy stuff. Christmas is coming up and people are out shopping. They don't understand my hesitation and I have to stop expecting them to. Besides the whole nursery is ready, what's adding more to it going to hurt?" After a few conversations with myself similar to this, I told my mom after she asked when I wanted her to put on a shower that we could do it before hand.
 I am scared. I'm really not a superstitious person nor do I believe in bad omens, but I can't shake this feeling that by coming together with a lot of people to shower us with gifts that Naomi will die. It's ridiculous- I know, but it's haunting me.

Shower number one is this Friday...yes, not only did my mom plan one, but the women at her church asked if instead of doing their usual monthly women's dinner if they could have a shower for us with the women of her church? This was just last week...after my mom sent out the invites for the shower she is having this Saturday! How could I say no? These women have been diligently praying for us since we lost Audrey, granted I only really know three of them, but because I belong to my mother and she talks to them about me they feel like they know me- it's only natural I guess.

In the midst of all this my cousin messaged me on fb saying my aunt (from my dad's side) wanted to have a shower for me, so be thinking of when ect. Well that's a no brainer... after! I told him to have her call me, I honestly do not have her number. He has mine. I haven't spoken to her since Thanksgiving last year, which isn't all that unusual. I can't help but think though..."why couldn't you just call me, or you message me?" I'm being sensitive again. This family always waits til after the babies are born to have showers, I guess because we don't see each other much and they all want to see the baby. It's just that after two weeks and no call, I wonder if she is afraid to talk to me without the distraction of  new baby-I mean- here and met in-person. I've seen it plenty of times already, people have my current pregnancy and baby to talk about so that is what they focus on, but when I talk about Audrey they get uncomfortable. But, she could be as scared as I am, that's just it- if we don't just talk about it I don't know.

They're going to keep being uncomfortable because I won't stop talking about her.
I might being reading into it too much..she's probably just busy. It just sucks that this is my reality now!

When my sister had her son three weeks ago I was looking for a card to give her along with some outfits. As I searched I came across cards of all types... "new parent" cards, "first baby", "expectant mom", "mom-to be" "new addition to your family", then there's the blanket statements like " Congrats on your new baby girl/boy" I couldn't help it, I started to worry that someone might buy me a card that said the wrong thing. As if people's comments don't hurt enough, there's also the possibility that someone will unintentionally hurt me by getting a card that says 'your first daughter doesn't really count cause she's not here' and I never knew you were pregnant when you had a miscarriage so that doesn't count either, but everything will be just fine this time so let's just go with that. Again, standing in the aisle being super sensitive- I walked away. I didn't even get one for my sister, instead I started preparing for the jar in my soul I might experience when opening gifts in front of a bunch of people. I was working on my mental mask of smiles and you-didn't-just-hurt-me-by-buying-me-a-card-that-says-"expectant-mom"-face. They don't understand, I don't expect them to I'm just exhausted thinking about putting on a happy face. Not that I'm not happy...it's just scary, Naomi's not here in my arms yet and I am still so sad that I didn't get to have a shower with Audrey and she's not here either.
*sigh*
I'm babbling and I needed to get the thoughts out on screen. Feeling better already.

24 Days to go

I can hardly believe it. I have only a few weeks until I meet my little seahorse face to face! I am SO ready. It has been really really hard this past month. As much as I've tried to remain positive and focus on bringing her home I am constantly battling this dark cloud following me. I thought that once I made it past the 25 week point I would be relieved and able to relax. That didn't happen so I hoped for 28 weeks, then 32 and as time went on I was no longer afraid of pre-term labor but stillbirth. I count kicks and am aware of her patterns, so I'm doing the job I'm supposed to but I can't shake this fear that her heart will just stop. There have been a handful of times that she has gone off schedule and in a matter of minutes I was convinced she died. I'm exhausted. Not because I sit and fret all the time, but because I am constantly fighting off the spirit of fear, praying for peace and taking captive every negative thought. Each day is a war against either grief taking control of me or fear that my second daughter will die too.
I know it is inappropriate to complain about pregnancy now that I'm a baby loss mama- and I'm not really complaining, I just have to say what is going on in my life, be real about this struggle. I embrace this with all of my being! I count it worth the cost- the cost of some sanity, peace, rest and physical comfort. Not only am I battling my thoughts; but the physical toll this pregnancy is taking is becoming more than I can bare. I'm pleading to God daily to give me grace to get me through. I started this pregnancy overweight, and have continued to gain too much for my little frame. I have many body parts giving me trouble but the worst is the constant back pain, the swelling in my feet and ankles and the extremely dry sinuses that are causing headaches and nose bleeds. My feet feel bruised, the swelling is so intense and there is no relief at night or by elevating them. The list really does go on but I won't go into it. Again, me saying this doesn't mean I would trade it for my baby. I know how blessed I am to be suffering these temporary woes, so please don't get all bent out of shape that I don't appreciate that I'm pregnant and the blessing I am about to embark on. This is just hard for me right now. I SO look forward to this chapter ending, bringing Naomi home safe and sound and having some relief emotionally and physically. It's also peppered with the sadness that the holiday's are again approaching, when Audrey was supposed to be born. Oh to have joy and sorrow interwoven into Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. It is so weird to look ahead with such dread and excitement all at the same time.
Thanks for reading my vent and for any prayers you feel lead to release into the heavens on Naomi's or my behalf.

And her name is....

At about 30 weeks I suddenly got some fire under my butt and decided to start getting ready for her arrival. It felt weird because sometimes I have a hard time believing I will actually get to bring her home, but most times I really can picture it and I allow myself to go there. I started buying things pretty early because I had to believe- in spite of my doubts- that this time around would be different. I could not however; put anything together in the nursery. I could have clothes and decorations in a corner in the closet, but it would have been too much to imagine losing her and having the room all baby-fied. So when that c-section got scheduled I realized how much I had to do and figured it was time to make the room hers. We painted the furniture, I painted a mural, washed all her clothing and bedding and finished everything last weekend! We even did a belly cast! All we have left to do is send in the admission paperwork, tour the hospital since we've never been, and finish packing for the stay. I have to pinch myself sometimes, is this really real? 


So now for the moment you've been waiting for... not what most expected, but her name is...not Fionna- my first choice that my husband didn't like...not Marley.....but ....

Inspired by Stephanie @ Beyond Words, I made this for our rainbow.



The Horton Mural




My belly cast, in progress. Done at 32 weeks.

 So there ya have it folks. Still no middle name, but we'll get there. We have that narrowed down- maybe I'll do a poll so you can help us out on that one!

33 weeks

I said I would be back to have a little fun, and here I am! I added a poll for you to guess what our little seahorses' name is. I will reveal the answer on Monday.

And I have an update. I went to the doctor today and my iron level is coming up, not where it should be- but improving. I have to add more mg, so I'll be shopping for a pill that has more mgs per pill. Taking 12 pills on top of the other supplements I take is a little much. I am exhausted again. Come on body you can do it, just 5 weeks left, you can absorb this iron and get it pumpin' through my veins! If anemia is the only bump in this road I will be so thankful.
I am really enjoying all the crazy moves she makes and how my belly looks like it's been invaded by an alien. I sometimes can't control giggles because whatever she is doing in there tickles! It is truly amazing.

32 weeks

LoOoOong time no posty! Yikes it's been more than a month! For awhile I really didn't have much to say, then I needed to pin down hubby to take a belly picture. And yesterday I came here ready to give the latest news, I did so and went to edit something I wrote, I hit the coma - I kid you not that is ALL I hit and poof my entire post was deleted. Needless to say I was mad and decided to quit blogging for the day.
So, here is my big belly!

She is scheduled to be delivered on November 24th. That is at 39 w 1 day. Yay, my doctors reached a nice compromise for me. Now we'll just see how little seahorse likes staying put til then. I'm a little sad that Dr. Babytogoplease won't be on call at the hospital I was in with Audrey. I loved those nurses and I was imagining sharing a happy delivery with them (those who might happen to be there anyway). But I am going to a new hospital that does not have a NICU or Dr. Fulltermzeez's (specialist) office right downstairs. I just keep telling myself that everything is going well and I won't be needing the NICU or my specialist....easier said in my head than lived out each day. You know...typical behavior of someone who knows way more than she cares to about all that can go wrong! Of course my back up plan is to go to original hospital if I start contracting before or around 37 weeks, no transferring baby without me, no thank you..
Let's see what else, oh yes, I am now anemic. No biggy but boy was I feeling completely zapped for about a month before I was tested. I'm guessing my iron levels are better because my energy has returned but I'll get re-checked next week. I hope so cause again, no thank you to a blood transfusion or a longer hospital stay.

I'll be back for some fun regarding our little seahorses name, and soon I promise!

26.4 weeks

Time for another belly picture!

Great news....my doctors had a discussion and my c section will be scheduled around 39 weeks! Also this chapter of high risk is officially closed. This is a normal healthy pregnancy. No incompetent cervix here. The only thing I need to be monitored for is bacterial vaginosis (one more culture around 30weeks) and no laboring on my own. Sounds simple right? I certainly hope so! I am still considered high risk because we lost Audrey and my uterus has been compromised but it feels good to know that it's not because my cervix is gonna let go. The chances of me contracting another infection is almost non-existent.

As soon as I start to experience Braxton Hicks, oh boy, I hope I don't freak out. This is all new territory for me, I don't know what those are like so I hope I don't start getting paranoid that my uterus is gonna rupture. One day at a time right, that's what I tell other rainbow mommies. I need to remember my own advice. I can't possibly think about the million other things that could go wrong. Right now I have peace, I have hope and I'm going to throw myself into getting things ready for her to come home. And make my dear husband decide on her name!! I had a beautiful list that he liked none of, we started over, decided on her first name and again my list of middle names weren't to his liking. =) So, now he gets to pick...so much fun!

Day 179

With my last pregnancy today is the day my body made itself clear that it was failing me and failing Audrey. Day 175 the failing began and day 179 it ended. I'm so happy to say I'm still here, I'm still pregnant, my body is succeeding. I'm breathing a sigh of relief. I really believe everything is going to be okay. We're not out of the danger zone just yet. I'll continue to have cervical checks up to 27.5 weeks, then I will no longer be high risk status in the cervical department. I have faith that we are going to make it! I can hardly believe that I'm typing these words, but I truly have peace. If I'm wrong I'm wrong, but I fully receive this peace I have now.

My last visit @ Dr. Fulltermzeez, I actually got to see her and not new partner! It was so nice, Jamie was able to make that appointment (can't take off work for all of them) and when she saw us she was so happy. She said she really believes that it was the mystery infection that caused my water to break with Audrey and is so excited for us to be on this journey again -and to be a part of it. I LOVE HER! She is really sincere. Backing up for a moment, the three days after Audrey died she didn't come to my room as I thought she would. She told my midwife in a conversation the two of them had weeks later that she was in tears and couldn't bring herself to see us just yet, she had such faith that we would have a good outcome and not all patients affect her the way we did. I was so touched when my midwife shared this with me through her tears. When she did come to my room I could tell it was hard for her and I knew she meant every word of condolence she offered. Care providers really can practice with there hearts engaged.
And on that note my last visit with Dr. Babytogoplease almost brought tears to my eyes. He said the same thing as Dr. Fulltermzeez, that if I had a cervical issue we probably would have seen a problem by now. He then started to talk about delivery. We haven't uttered a word about that up to this point. It's as if that might have been a bad omen to all of us. So, he started to go over the details... "how we normally proceed with patients we don't want laboring on their own" have an amniocentesis @ 37 weeks to make sure her lungs are ready, how they determine this, tentatively plan on scheduling the c section at this time...blah blah blah. Um, I panicked. I said,
"Uh, I know we don't want me to rupture but is there a way we can skip all that amnio business and wait til like I dunno 39 weeks? Cause I think there are other important developmental markers for babies up to the 40th week. I really want to be able to hold her and breast feed, I don't want her to be in the NICU at all, I just don't want to be separated from her that's really important to me."
GET A LOAD OF THIS!!!
He said, "You are absolutely right. I am so sorry. Sometimes us in Obstetrics just proceed with what we know and forget about the experience of mom and baby. I want you to know it's important to me too that you are able to breastfeed and spend time with her right away. You're right, there can be issues with suckling and that's a risk we run by delivering too soon, some babies end up not feeding at all on their own. I will discuss this with Dr. Fulltermzeez and see how she would like to proceed, but it is definitely a possibility to wait until 39 weeks and if not we will reach a decision that's comfortable for you too."
I thought it would be inappropriate to grab him and hug him, but I really wanted to! I LOVE HIM TOO! AND he apologized twice for making me wait so long as they were waaay behind schedule, he mentioned there was a trend of a lot of concerns and questions among patients that day. I told him he is well worth the long wait. Besides I've been one of those patients who needed more of his time, another thing he is great at is not rushing through the visit.
Geez, I didn't mean for this post to turn into a mushy love fest about doctors! I guess I just needed to express my gratitude, Lord knows ( and you guys know) I've had some crappy ones that I complained about!

24W 4D

Saturday was eery to say the least. That was 24.4. I woke up feeling worse than I had Friday, I thought it was something I ate that was making my stomach upset and I just pushed through the day preparing for a busy weekend. At 8:30am I decided to call a nurse and see what I could take because I was in misery all through the night with abdominal cramping (the kind that comes with the flu), she told me what to take and asked me questions to rule out labor in her mind. I was sure it wasn't labor. By 11:30 I had no relief and was running a fever, and by no relief I mean I was cramping in a way that looked a lot like labor. I couldn't talk, had to breathe deeply and the pain made me want to grab something tightly to get through it. So I called the nurse back and she said that there is a nasty flu virus going around that causes severe cramping but go to the ER . I remained surprisingly calm, yet had that nagging thought "Your water broke two days from today with Audrey's pregnancy." I thought it was strange that she told me to go to the ER, but I also didn't want to go to L&D because of the implications. It gave me some comfort to think she also didn't believe I was in labor. As soon as I arrived and told the nurse my issue, she took one look at me and said, "We'll get someone to transfer you to maternity."
To make a long story shorter...I was hooked up to monitors in triage and put through testing to make sure our little girl was okay. I spent about 3 1/2 hours there to have a doctor come in and repeat the exact same thing I heard when I was admitted with Audrey. My heart sank when I heard him say, " Well, I have good news. Your white count is perfect and you don't have any signs of infection in your urine. Baby looks really good and you're not having any contractions."
I was pretty calm and for the most part I was there because I didn't know what type of infection can do damage to my unborn baby. I was there because I didn't know how high my fever could get before I needed a doctor's intervention. I was there because the nurse told me to go. Better safe than sorry right? So I couldn't help but respond to the doctor (another on-call, not mine), "I've heard those same words...that there was no sign of infection, was put on antibiotics ect ect. and 4 days later is when the white count went up, went into labor and my daughter died at 25 weeks. So I certainly hope this is not a case where I'm sick now and back in here delivering this baby 4 days from now. "
His response, " Well, the world could blow up 4 days from now,"Laughing," I mean there is no way of telling what is going to happen."
Me, "Okay what I am trying to say is, can this flu virus affect my baby? And at what temperature do I need to have my butt back in here?"
He answered my questions, could tell I was not amused and told me I could go home or get an amniocentesis if I really wanted to know what was in the fluid surrounding my baby, but that it would be a bit "premature" to do such a test.
The triage nurse suggested maybe I was constipated and a whole other slew of non-related crap..no pun intended- and acted as if I wasn't even sick with the flu despite my 100.7 temp! She made it quite obvious in that moment she'd never been pregnant by some of the stupid things she had to say.
WHATEVER! We got our discharge papers filled out and made note to self - put Dr. Laughter on s*!t list.
I then went down to the first floor, too weak to walk around to the other side of the building where we came in, and waited for Jamie to pull the car around. That is where I had a horrible flashback of our experience loosing Audrey.(Which I wrote about on her blog)

I am feeling better now after my weekend of fun had to be canceled. =( And I've finally decided it's time for a letter to care providers. I've tossed the idea around since March of 09 and I now have plenty more experience and suggestions and energy to make it happen. We have to advocate for ourselves, sadly. If I can save one patient from hearing insensitive words spoken by a doctor or nurse I will feel good about taking the time to give some advice in how to interact with us BL parents.
Onward we go still full of hope for this baby girl to home with us.

Breast vs. Bottle

As I've mentioned before, there are 4 women in my life who are also having babies within 6 weeks of my due date (all before mine). Well, a few more have been added to that list (due shortly after me) which makes me even more uneasy. So, as you can imagine there is a lot of typical talk of babies and parenting choices. One of the women who will go by the name of Bambi here was in my salon (she is a client and somewhat previous friend) talking about her scheduled c-section. We both agreed that since we can schedule our deliveries we'd like to do it on a Monday morning, for her it was the particular day that sounded good to her. For me, it is because most people will be working and it would give me time to come down off the morphine, get the catherter out and have some privacy while learning to breastfeed, before a borage of people come to see us. (That's probably NOT gonna happen for me because nothing is ever that easy)But hey, it's nice to dream once in a while that something might go my way. Anyway, she mentioned seeing a friend right after a c -section trying to breastfeed and she felt bad for her because she was frustrated. So, I asked -what I had no idea would be -a loaded question, "Did you breastfeed at all with (we'll call her) Daisy?" You would have thought I asked her if she committed a murder! Immediately she snapped back that she wanted no part of that, oh no, no way, she's heard too many horror stories and she will not be doing it with this child either. Plus she thinks it's just wrong that her husband wouldn't be able to feed their children. She went on and on then about a mutual acquaintance who's baby is still in bed with them at 17 months because she breastfed and now baby won't sleep in her own bed, she's too dependant on mommy blah blah blah ..... Then she asked me if I plan to breastfeed. I tried to lighten the mood a little by saying," Heck yeah, it's free food...we're cheap!"
Let me pause here for a moment. I guess you could say I'm in more of the "crunchy" or "granola" camp, but I in no way judge others who chose not to be in my camp. There are so many ideas and choices parents make in raising kids and the most important is they are loved and nurtured. Bottom line. We can all sit and debate on topics like attachment parenting, baby wearing, cloth diapering, co-sleeping and nutrition. You get my point the list goes on and on and continues throughout early childhood, adolescence and beyond.
What makes me mad is when people remain ignorant about a choice that opposes theirs and criticize those who've made that choice! She is basing her decision to not breastfeed on two people she knows, which is fine with me, it's human nature. If that is the only experience she has with it and it clearly left her with a negative impression I can understand. So, when I said, "I hope all goes well and I am able to breastfeed, it's just something I really want to do." She said, snottily " Yeah, if I didn't have a bunch of kids running around then maybe I would, ya know if I was home alone. And, if I didn't want husband to be able to feed him."
(OUCH ! THANKS FOR REMINDING ME I DON'T HAVE OTHER CHILDREN)
I say, "I plan to pump too, so that I am not solely feeding her."
She says, "Yeah I just really don't want any part of it....blah blah blah," back to the same tirade as before only getting snottier!
Here's where I couldn't get her outta there fast enough... She starts to go on a tirade about co-sleepers (attach to your bed, like a pack-n-play) and how she's heard that even if your baby is put in those you'll never get them to sleep in the crib. She knows someone who's kid won't sleep in a room by himself and he's 18 months old, can't soothe himself ect. ect.... She then started bragging on her skills of not spoiling her kids from day one, they sleep in cribs from the day they come home from the hospital, they aren't super dependant on mommy and daddy, blah blah blah. I thought ah, the hell with it, she can belittle me all she wants, I said, "We have a co-sleeper." She responded with a SUPER snotty, "Well good luck with THAT! You'll never be able to put her in a crib, she will be sleeping with you for god knows how long. We just wouldn't have that!" And again, she repeated herself with more of the same vomit as earlier.
I just responded with, "Well, a lot of people ARE okay with that and I don't know if we will or won't be. "
I wanted to say "LISTEN HERE BEEOCH, I'LL BE HAPPY TO HAVE A BABY TO CARE FOR AND IF IT MEANS SHE SLEEPS IN THE SAME ROOM AND ISN'T ABLE TO SELF-SOOTHE THAN SO BE IT! YOUR WAY ISN'T THE ONLY WAY TO PARENT. I NEVER SAID ONE NEGATIVE THING ABOUT YOUR CHOICE TO BOTTLE FEED SO SHUT YOUR MOUTH. YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIKE WHAT I HAVE IN MIND FOR RAISING MY CHILD, SHE'S MINE, BUTT OUT!
And all the while her 5 year old was acting like a typical undisciplined child does. I have to tell her not to pull my mirror off the wall, not to take my shears off the counter, not to flip the lights off and on, not to stand on a cart with wheels while leaning up against a window, because mommy doesn't say a word, just watches her do it all. That's not to mention all she puts me through during the haircut. Maybe Bambi is snotty because I say something to her kid everytime she brings for a service. Sorry but I'd feel responsible for Daisy cutting a finger off in my salon!

My point in writing this is 1) I vented all this and more to my dear husband who didn't say a word, he does'nt get why I got so upset 2) to encourage others to look into why parents do what they do. I find it very refreshing that we have so many options for how we raise kids. If one way doesn't work, we can seek out other parents who have different ideas. We can be support to each other. And even when I don't agree I can be objective about it and not be so vocal.

Here's a few questions to you readers... What are some of the parenting choices you plan to make or have made and what kind of opposition have you expirienced? How do you handle it when someone disagrees with you?

Good news

Yesterday I called my doctor as I hadn't heard back from them about my gestational diabetes screening. The nurse called back shortly and said "I put a card in the mail to you yesterday to say all your labs were normal." To which I replied, "Oh, I was expecting a phone call, but that is great!" She said, "Would you like me to go over the numbers with you?" Of course I said, " yes, please." I love an opportunity to learn! And sure enough when she explained what the glucose numbers mean and what they want to see in someone without diabetes, my numbers were perfection! So my pancreas WAS having a bad week after all!
And I did follow directions and continued to eat more carbs, though it was hard to.
Lesson learned though, that was enough to scare me into eating better. I was eating whatever I wanted last week not thinking about the large amounts of carbs in relation to the small amounts of protein I was consuming. (I don't know what to consider myself -I'm a grass fed beef, organic chicken, egg, fruit and veggie eater who tries to limit her intake of GM and processed foods.) So let's just say eating peanut butter captain.crunch in chocolate milk isn't in my normal diet. It tasted so good!!! That's just one example of me falling off my healthy eating wagon. I have to laugh at myself though.

22 weeks

Crap, crap, crap! I went to see Dr. Babytogoplease today for what is usually an uneventful conversation about my cervix. It was in terms of my so-far-so-good functioning cervix. Instead, the nurse scared the hell outta me by coming in and stating I have a lot of sugar in my urine. Right away we discussed my breakfast menu this am. When I told her and the doc. that I ate shredded wheat and had a glass of water, they each said, "hmm." Then my blood pressure was high, because I was a little freaked about the possibility of gestational diabetes! She re-checked after I had a few minutes to digest my thoughts and it was fine. So, they did a finger prick to test the blood sugar and sure enough it was way high. UGH. I have to go back Monday morning for the 3-4 hour glucose screening. They warned me the lab is extremely busy that day.Oh joy.
I've had a feeling about this for about a week because I can't seem to get enough water and sometimes I have a weird feeling that is hard to describe, kind of like weakness in my arms or like I'm shaky inside. So I planned to ask him today if we could plan to do the glucose test at my 24 week visit. Maybe, just maybe it's only because I've given in too many times to the sugary, carb cravings this week. I'd like to think that my pancreas is just having a tough week. My instructions for the weekend are to add a few more carbs to my diet each day until I start fasting Sunday night! That is so hard to do, I just want to lower my carb intake immediately. That's like committing a sin, you realize you were wrong but instead of turning away you continue the sin a few more times!

Once again your prayers would be much appreciated!

To my little seahorse,
I'm craving chocolate and cereal now, not so much of the healthy stuff I did earlier on. And when I say chocolate and cereal- I mean twice now I gave in and ate cereal with chocolate milk- yep killed two birds with one stone. I could also eat any mexican food that includes guacamole daily. I would also like to have a glass or two of wine and drink some serious coffee, neither of which will be consumed any day before you arrive! And oh the heartburn, how it continues....I will celebrate it though just like I did all the nausea in the beginning, well as much as one possibly can while feeling miserable. Oh, and uhhem, the gas.
I feel you kick every morning first thing when I get out of bed, a few times throughout the day and every night about 8ish. Then you have to get a little crazy as soon as I lay down to go to sleep, like it's time for your workout routine. I love this time I get to spend with you, I wouldn't trade it for anything else in this world, even if I do feel jealous every time daddy leaves on his motorcycle. My tummy is starting to feel stretchy and needs a lot of lotion for relief. It's getting harder to figure out what to wear, as you are growing so fast. I'm not very tolerant of the heat, I get too hot pretty quickly. That's okay though I'll relax in the a/c with you rather than working outside. I'd like to say you are doing cool things with us this summer, but really YOU are the coolest thing about our summer. Maybe we'll make it to a concert before you make your appearance. Remember you're not supposed to meet the world til November so you stay cozy in there. I love you so much!!!

Hope

Well, here we are, more than half way there! This pic was taken last week. I can't seem to get on track here with my blog. I feel like reading everyone else's but struggle to find the words for my own. Can I just say that I feel huge? I'm definitely bigger with this pregnancy, which they say is common. Don't get me wrong, I'm not fretting over it, but simply stating the observation of myself and others. *Insert eyes rolling here* between the stupid things people say regarding baby loss and the stupid things people say to pregnant ladies I feel like I could write a book! I just don't care much for being the center of attention- I never have.

Anyway, off my soapbox now. I'm feeling a tremendous amount of hope these days. My cervical checks have remained steady, I feel great and I am starting to believe that I will bring this baby home. That belief is not based on anything scientific, I haven't made it past "the milestone," and no doctor has guaranteed (not that they can) that she will be a baby-to-go. That's why it's called hope..."But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:24-25
"Find rest o my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." Psalm 62:5
I haven't reached this place by my own doing but by the Holy Spirit. All along God was waiting for me to grab hold of His gift of hope, but I was reluctant to recieve it. Instead I was only seeing through the lenses of my expirience. I am still reminded of all that could go wrong and often, however; thankfully, I am able to plan as though nothing will.

The belly

I decided I better start taking some belly pictures. When I was pregnant with Audrey I figured we would wait until the last month and get professional pictures taken - that way I could be looking my best (touched up ya know). Well, sadly that day never came.
So, in celebration of every day that I have with our new daughter, no matter how ugly I feel, DH will be snapping a photo every week or so. As you can see it's only the belly because my hair was too frizzy for a face shot.
Do you like the rainbow tank top? I've had it for about three years... I've liked rainbows for a long time now, little did I know what our rainbows would mean to us-us baby loss mamas and daddies.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and for all the prayer support you offer. I feel the love, I don't know what I would do without you lovely ladies!

How do you like my new space? It was time for a little change.

The Big Reveal

Well, here she is! We're having another girl! I'm scared. I'm exited. Then I'm scared again....I'm sure this will go on for a long time so I'm becoming acclimated with my range of emotions.

Mostly though, I do have peace...that peace that passes all understanding.

My cervical length was 4.0 today, which is thicker than the last checks, so that is reassuring.

I had to make myself drive straight home from the dr. office and not to go shopping. I didn't buy girly stuff for Audrey since she didn't want to do the big reveal. Even though I'm scared of losing this rainbow, I still want to buy her stuff. It won't hurt less if I don't so why refrain, right? Oh, there were some things on clearance at a few stores that I'm gonna have to check out before the weekend is over...lots of girly things.

Maybe I'm delusional, I just need to physically do something to welcome this new baby girl (name pending obviously) into our lives whether she gets to stay with us or not.

I love you little seahorse girl! I think you're growing lots of hair in there 'cause mommy sure is having a lot of heartburn. Thanks for making us laugh today when you wouldn't show us your face- silly girl -covering it with your hands! You're already a little comedian.

Try to understand

Pregnant women and excited expectant families,
I wish you would try to understand what it's like for me to be pregnant after losing two babies. When I say I really hope the outcome is different this time, I wish you would say, "Me too," instead of " Oh, I just know this baby will be fine."
When I say that I may have to go on bed rest at some point but I am hoping not to, I wish you would say, "I'll help you in any way I can if that happens," instead of "Oh, you need to stop thinking that way, just put those thoughts out of your mind."

When you are very vocal about how excited you are for me and I don't share the same volume level or demonstrative expressions please don't keep trying to get me to your level of enthusiasm. You can't work your magic to bring back the babies I didn't successfully bring into this world which is about what it would take to get me that excited again.
I'll listen when you want to talk about all that you are doing and planning for your baby but when I don't say much, then you ask me questions like, "Will you register for this stroller or that?" And I say, "No,we have a stroller and a car seats and furniture and bedding that we bought when I was pregnant with Audrey." Try to refrain from deer-in-headlight-look. I don't know what that is all about, but it's annoying. And no I won't be having a shower before hand.

Go ahead and dream of our children playing together since our due dates are 4-6 weeks apart, but you'll have to excuse me for not going there with you, remember I don't have such a great track record, though I want that just as badly as you do, if not worse.

Don't be afraid when I start comparing my pregnancies, those memories are the few I have of Audrey and it makes me happy to talk about this pregnancy vs. her's. People have got to stop getting so freaked out about dead babies! I'm not going to forget about her and I will talk about her for years to come so just get used to it.

Lastly, the next person who tells me that once I have this baby in my arms all the things I struggle with in regards to losing Audrey will all go away, I will probably punch in the face!
Nothing makes me angrier than hearing how having this baby will "help me heal."

I am excited to be pregnant, I love this baby as much as the others, and it's not all doom and gloom all the time. I am hopeful - hoping for the best but I've already experienced the worst, so you'll have to forgive me if I seem a little more prepared for it.

You don't have any idea how much I want each of you to have your babies and grand babies come and stay on this earth with you. But I want that for me too and if I am not able to have that, here will be four of you to remind me once again what I lost.

18 weeks

Last week's ultrasound went well. My cervical lengths have stayed steady @ 3.9 cm. Thank you God. I did feel a little uneasy from Friday through yesterday. I saw my OB yesterday and we discussed our plan again, which I wasn't totally clear about.
On Friday when I had the consult with my Peri. I unfortunately had to see her new partner. The "new partner" wasn't there when we lost Audrey, she didn't feel the impact, she didn't know how healthy I was, she doesn't understand how confused the doctors were as to why my water broke. I wanted to talk to Dr. Fulltermzeez, she KNOWS me. So, "new partner" looked at my ultrasounds and said she is very confident that I do not have a weak cervix, that it was an infection that caused my water to break, my immune system was compromised and since I'm healthier now I will carry this baby with no problems. As I looked at her, with what felt like a "so you're saying what?" look on my face, she said," But we'll still follow your care for your peace of mind." I thought, well yeah you better, it ain't over yet!" I felt a little put off. So I came home and got on BBC cervical group and got other BLM's thoughts and experiences. It helped a little and also made me worry a little.
So yesterday...with my OB, Dr. Babytogoplease talked to me about the consult. I said I am wondering if we could have put in a preventative cerclage, if I made a mistake by saying I was okay with only monitoring because I am no healthier than I was for my first pregnancy(in fact probably less-so being overweight now and I didn't continue to take prenatals between pregnancies!) Dr. Babytogoplease assured me that the decision didn't fall on me, if I would have asked for the preventative he would have said no. It is too late for one now because we have measured and I'm in normal range. I told him that I am not confident at all that it was an infection that caused my water to break, like "new partner" said. I said, "I am confused why she would even think that because I felt fine, had no fever, my white count was normal and no infection was found in the blood cultures they took daily while in the hospital.I mean is it normal that an infection lays quietly for almost 5 days!?" He replied, "In all my years, I've never seen anything like it either. Judging by your history, it is likely that it is a cervical issue." I said, "Thank you, I know I'm not crazy. So, if my CL drops even before it's considered the danger zone can we put in a cerclage?" He said, "It all depends on if you have funneling or are effaced and/or dilated. I'm sorry I can't give you a more solid answer." I said, "I just don't want to wait for an emergency because the chances are
higher that it won't be successful." Thankfully he agreed and hopes that we will be able to do something before it's an emergency too.
Can I just say I HATE THIS!!!! There used to be something so cool about mystery, but now I can't stand it. I want control. I want to know the next move on the chess board of my life.
Unfortunately a woman generally has to lose more than one baby before they can be diagnosed and have a preventative cerclage. THAT SUCKS!
I am trying to be so hopeful that "new partner" is right. I'd rather her be right, even though it isn't very solid science.
I don't want to lose another rainbow.

"God is strong and can help you not fall." Jude 24
" You and I are on a great climb. The wall is high and the stakes are higher. [I] took my first step the day I confessed Christ as the Son of God. He gave [me] his harness-the Holy Spirit. In [my] hands he placed a rope-his Word........[I] hang in the harness and find it to be strong. [I] grasp the rope and find it to be true. And though [I] cannot see [my] guide, [I] know him. [I] know he is strong. [I] know he is able to keep me from falling." Max Lucado, A Gentle Thunder

15 weeks

Sorry I haven't been around much... But I'll be playing catch up blog because I have a lot to say.

So far so good. The cervical monitoring has begun. I had an ultrasound on Wednesday and I have a perfectly normal strong cervix to start. Dr. Babytogoplease was quite excited about this, I wish I could say I am too. I am glad yes, but I probably started with a good strong cervix with Audrey too. Get me to 28-30 weeks strong, then I'll be excited. I go back in two weeks to check again and so on and so forth. I can't say enough how much I love my OB! He is so sweet and caring.

I was reading my journal entries from a year ago when I was pregnant with Audrey. I wrote about how I felt depressed and sick up to the 13th week. This made me stop and think. Huh, there really IS something to be said about the role hormones play! Strange, this is exactly how it played out this time, only I thought it had everything to do with losing Audrey. These last two weeks I have felt a lot better physically and emotionally. Yes I'm still sad about big sister but I feel like I can begin to function again while going through this grief journey.

I have to admit I was getting worried I wouldn't be good at being a mommy to anyone but Audrey, now I feel confident that I'll figure it out. I'll find a way to honor her memory and take good care of little brother or sister too.

The most exciting thing yet is that I felt you move twice this week little one! Just like your sister- packing a powerful punch or kick so early!

I just keep asking God, "Can I please bring this one home, pleeeeeaaase!?"

Can it be?

Well, I did what I said to myself I would not. A few weeks ago, I went to this cute little store where I shopped while I was pregnant with Audrey. ( I have a lot of catching up to do on my blogging) I was headed to the party store to find some cake decorations for my nephew's birthday. In an adjoining parking lot is Once Upon a Child, a store that is packed full of almost everything you can think of for babies and kids. I really had the desire to go in, partly because it reminds me of Audrey and partly because I want to accept and love this baby just as much, even though I am scared to. I bought two books, something I never thought to buy Audrey. Then, off to the party store then, I headed to one of my favorite craft & home decor stores still in search of the right stuff for the birthday cake. Of course each time I go in there I have to peek down every isle as to not miss anything that might inspire me.

Lo and behold there they were the perfect silhouettes that I envisioned just two days before!

I was trying to conjure up something unique for the nursery (yes, I actually allowed myself to go there too) when I pictured just the outline of various animals that could go around the room. So I asked hubby if he had a router bit to cut the shapes if I drew them onto wood, then I would paint them black. Well, now we don't have to ....they were even on clearance!

I love it when things just come together like this! It felt like it is a sign that everything will be okay, I just might get to bring this one home! I almost started crying right there in the isle, but my mind started racing, "hurry up, pick the good ones before the others get them!" There were women on both sides of me eyeballing in the same area-I ran and grabbed a cart and loaded up.

Can it really be? Can I bring you home and keep you little one?

13 weeks

Yeah, I'm going backwards for a moment. I said I was going to play catch up, then I didn't exactly make time for that so here I am now.
It was a Sunday night when I had what I thought was a "red flag" for preterm labor or miscarriage. I called the nurse hot line, explained what was going on and she said she would have the doc. on call give me a ring back. He called and I proceeded to tell him as well when he interrupted me and told me I had been given wrong information (by my Peri), he had never heard of such a thing and that there is really no need for me to go into the hospital. He further insulted me by asking if I was sure that I didn't urinate in my pants! Needless to say, I was MAD!! I hung up the phone and cried my head off like a little kid. I felt like I had been scolded by my mean step-dad. Now you are probably wondering, what? What is she talking about? Well it's kind of embarrassing and I'll spare you the details, I'm sure those of you who've been pregnant will put it all together. The point of me going back and writing this is to keep in my memory the scare we had and that everything turned out alright.
So, because he was a huge jerk I went in to the hospital anyway AND I went to L&D where he told me I was NOT welcome until after week 20. When I approached the desk, I told the nurse my problem and she said, "Didn't you talk to Dr. G on the phone?" I said "Yes I did and I know he told me that if I absolutely thought it was necessary I should go to the ER, but the reason I'm here is because I want someone to know how poorly he treated me on the phone." I want to make it clear that I don't appreciate him speaking to me like I'm an idiot. Now if you want me to go downstairs I will, but the first baby I delivered died here and you nurses took excellent care of me and this is where I feel safe." That woman turned to another and gave her a look and she said, "let her stay." About 4-5 nurses heard everything I said which made me feel better and as expected they took excellent care of me. I went for an ultrasound, my cervix was fine and baby was moving around. Then, I had the pleasure of shaking the jerks hand as he had to sign off on everything, he seemed much different in person (pretty clear that someone had a word with him). It's a good thing 'cause I was in my mama bear stance, ready to tell him what I thought. I'm so glad I didn't have to go there.
I was under the impression that he was not in my OB's group but when I went in for another appointment I saw his name listed outside the door. Ugh...I hope I never have to deal with him again!

I hesitated to write this post because I was being paranoid and felt a little silly, especially since everything has been normal. But I remember what my (pregnant) nurse said to me that Sunday night, "It's your job to make sure everything is okay and if that means you're calling your doctor every other day that's okay, whatever gets you through and to the end with a healthy baby."

The Plan

So, I met our new doctor on Monday who I must say I like very much. I will call him Dr. Babytogoplease. We will be able to see him exclusively and not be rotated among the other 10 or so in the group. This is the up side of close monitoring and a scheduled c - section. He is very confident in his ability to work with the perinatologist I will call Dr. Fulltermzeeze.

Starting at 15 weeks I will go to Dr. Fulltermzeezes' office to get high tech ultrasounds to measure my cervical length every 2 weeks. Should the length change/fall below a certain number I will have a cerclage placed and be put on bed rest. Of course I hope this does not happen but I can't help but think I have a weak cervix, I am the textbook description of this type of patient.

I have faith in both docs to take good care of us and I feel much more relaxed knowing Dr. Babytogoplease really listened to my concerns and respects my need to be very proactive with this pregnancy.

I love you so much little one, and even though my heart is aching for your big sister, I very much want to see your smiling little face this year.

10 Weeks

So here we are we've made it 10 weeks. I am feeling very pregnant in the way of "morning" sickness, although I don't know why it is called that, as I feel sick ALL day some days. I am not complaining- this just means I'm making a healthy baby in there.

Last night I had a dream that you are a boy, my little sea creature. I never had a dream like this when I was pregnant with Audrey, I just had a lot of vivid and unusual dreams, which I am having again that make me laugh, they are so bizarre!

By the way I named this blog sunshine and seahorses because pregnancy is kind of like both the sun and the sea. The sun is so radiant and warm on our skin, it promotes a feel-good mood and it is very visible. The sea has many mysteries, there is much life and inner workings going on under the surface that we cannot see, like seahorses. With pregnancy come the obvious like the bump and also the not so obvious miracle being knitted together inside which at first looks kind of like a seahorse.



Here's our baby's first picture

6 Weeks

Heavenly Father,

Here I am standing before you completely vulnerable, afraid to be happy. I ask you to please allow me to carry this baby to full term. Can I please take this one home? I ask for your protection over every aspect of this pregnancy. Give my doctors wisdom to make the right decisions regarding our care. Give me the wisdom to know whether to trust the decisions the doctors make and when to demand we change course or doctors. Lord, prepare me for whatever this pregnancy brings. I ask that you would provide a miracle. Heal whatever may be broken about me. Help me receive your grace if that is not your will, grant me grace if I am to be on bed rest. I give this pregnancy to you, I trust you to take care of me and our little seahorse. Thank you so much for this blessing. I throw myself at your feet please help my heart remain hopeful. Remove this fear that is not of you, silence the voice of doubt. I want to hear only your promises for our future. I love you Lord.

Your Child

And baby makes three

It was Tuesday, I was one day late for my period. I decided to look up baby names. The days and weeks before were some of my darkest depressing days since I lost Audrey, and I was losing all motivation to really live. I was merely surviving. "So", I thought, "It can't hurt for me to hope for our future children - even if I do seem crazy". I spent hours looking up names and meanings of names, I was really having fun. I really didn't think I was pregnant. Thursday I had a full day and still no period. As I was getting ready to run outta the house it was close to lunchtime and I grabbed a sandwich. A nauseous feeling came over me and I thought, "Gees I haven't felt like this in a long time, I hate this feeling...I haven't felt like this since...well...oh- my-lanta!" My own thoughts stopped me in my tracks. I thought, " I am SO pregnant !" I took my B vitamin drops and prayed they would get me through the day. When I reached my destination I was overcome by the aroma of horse manure and herbal infusions. ( I was on a farm where handmade natural products are made and sold.) I had a model to make gorgeous and I could hardly concentrate! Needless to say I made it through. On Sunday morning I took the test that confirmed my suspicion. It was a BIG FAT POSITIVE!!! That means I am now 5 weeks pregnant. Here's to praying that this baby is a take home baby!